Thursday, September 8, 2011
All I wanted was dinner...
Going out to eat at a good ol' local diner sucks....why....because of all of the families. It was Jen's last night in town for a few days so she wanted to take me to Gov's for dinner. I was so excited, until we were seated. Babies and toddlers EVERYWHERE!!!! I just wanted to go home!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Breakdown
So yesterday sucked! I brokedown many times. Commercials, TV shows, the new baby next door being fed by her glowing mother...grrrr.
The mother of all breakdowns was when Jen got home. She took the pork out of the fridge and juice spilled. She said "Why would you put it on a plate?" I felt like a child scorn. I went and got Mr. Clean and paper towels and cleaned it up all the while fighting off tears. Next thing I know Jen is slamming stuff around. When I called her on it she said it would've been nice if I had stuff ready. I went to the bedroom, told her I wasn't hungry. She soon follow and asked what was wrong. When I told her I didn't feel good (which she knew all day....that pissed me off) and that I was hot mess. She said I knew going into this there was no guarentee. It doesn't make it any easier. She said I can't let it get me down. Too late! Then we got into the fight about supper. She didn't see my POV that she eats at different times everyday, how am I suppose to know when to have stuff ready and when to hold off. She said I still could've had it prepped. I told her she's set off by the smallest thing...this time it was the pork...why the hell wouldn't I put it on a plate? She said I'm set off easily too. I said the difference is I don't snap at her...that shut her up!
If I'm going to get through these tough times I'm going to need a rock. I thought she was mine but she's not and it hurts to say that. She's there in the moment but allows me no time to grieve when I need to. She's not a bad person and I love her dearly but we deal with things very differently. She never opens up to how she feels and I think that bothers me too. So, I'll blog and write and cry and hide my true pain from Jen so I can get through this in my way.
The mother of all breakdowns was when Jen got home. She took the pork out of the fridge and juice spilled. She said "Why would you put it on a plate?" I felt like a child scorn. I went and got Mr. Clean and paper towels and cleaned it up all the while fighting off tears. Next thing I know Jen is slamming stuff around. When I called her on it she said it would've been nice if I had stuff ready. I went to the bedroom, told her I wasn't hungry. She soon follow and asked what was wrong. When I told her I didn't feel good (which she knew all day....that pissed me off) and that I was hot mess. She said I knew going into this there was no guarentee. It doesn't make it any easier. She said I can't let it get me down. Too late! Then we got into the fight about supper. She didn't see my POV that she eats at different times everyday, how am I suppose to know when to have stuff ready and when to hold off. She said I still could've had it prepped. I told her she's set off by the smallest thing...this time it was the pork...why the hell wouldn't I put it on a plate? She said I'm set off easily too. I said the difference is I don't snap at her...that shut her up!
If I'm going to get through these tough times I'm going to need a rock. I thought she was mine but she's not and it hurts to say that. She's there in the moment but allows me no time to grieve when I need to. She's not a bad person and I love her dearly but we deal with things very differently. She never opens up to how she feels and I think that bothers me too. So, I'll blog and write and cry and hide my true pain from Jen so I can get through this in my way.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Fuck you Mother Nature!
What have I done? Is it because I've waited too long to try to get pregnant? Is it because I fell in love with a woman? Is it because I'm fat? I don't pay my bills on time? What did I do to piss off Mother Nature?????
I believe and always will believe that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I can remember being 6-7 years old and my cousin and I would play house and pretend we were pregnant and having babies. It's always been a dream of mine to experience being pregnant and having a baby and, of course, being a mom. I have always been facinated with pregnant bodies and what it feels like and what childbirth will feel like. Why when I've dreamed so long about something I can't grasp it?
Then there is media. I watch Roseanne as an escape to the funny and there's Crystal giving birth! A commercial comes on and there's Tori & Dean expecting another. I go online and 39 year old Jennifer Garner is expecting #3....WTF!!!! When will it be my turn?
I'm so worried about the financial aspect of trying, I'm worried about the way we are doing this and I'm trying to stay positive but shit it's hard! It hurts! There's no use crying but all I want to do is cry! BJ said Southwest flies out of Georgia real cheap if we can go get him. I'm glad he's so willing.
I need to go do something productive, so I'm off to design bulletin boards for the new school year.
I believe and always will believe that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I can remember being 6-7 years old and my cousin and I would play house and pretend we were pregnant and having babies. It's always been a dream of mine to experience being pregnant and having a baby and, of course, being a mom. I have always been facinated with pregnant bodies and what it feels like and what childbirth will feel like. Why when I've dreamed so long about something I can't grasp it?
Then there is media. I watch Roseanne as an escape to the funny and there's Crystal giving birth! A commercial comes on and there's Tori & Dean expecting another. I go online and 39 year old Jennifer Garner is expecting #3....WTF!!!! When will it be my turn?
I'm so worried about the financial aspect of trying, I'm worried about the way we are doing this and I'm trying to stay positive but shit it's hard! It hurts! There's no use crying but all I want to do is cry! BJ said Southwest flies out of Georgia real cheap if we can go get him. I'm glad he's so willing.
I need to go do something productive, so I'm off to design bulletin boards for the new school year.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
So I lied...
I can't stay away from the blog when I have stuff on my mind. So it wasn't totally a lie because I said I'd be back if I had to vent, so here I am.
Sunday sucked! Jen napped til about 1pm (I got hooked on the Glee Project) but after that she got into an LMN jag. Every movie seemed to be about mother's dead or dying, cancer and then the killer was babies. I did not want to watch it so I started puttering around and finally Jen said she'd change the channel. I was hoping this would open a conversation about how I'm feeling but I fought back the tears and thought of better things.
All day yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period. However, there I was obsessing on boards about PMS vs. early preggo symptoms. UGH! Then I had these pangs of "OMG, I could really be pregnant!" Jen commented last night that I should pick up a pregnancy test when I went out to get popcorn. I tried to be strong and say my period was due to start tomorrow or Wednesday anyway and didn't end up going. Just before bed I went to the bathroom and swore there was a bit of blood on the tissue. I was bummed and paranoid.
When I got up this morning I thought for sure I'd be flowing...nope. Thought I'd be flowing the next 2 times I went. NOPE. Jen asked before leaving for work why I was grumpy. I broke down. She said it will happen, we'll just have to save up, maybe just do one vial this time. I was hoping it would work with BJ! She didn't want to leave, I told her I'd be ok. She said keep busy.
So, here I sit, watching TV, on the computer, not being productive...not staying busy, feeling like I could bleed like a pig any minute now. I need to do something! I want to be growing and nurturing a life inside of me. UGH!
Sunday sucked! Jen napped til about 1pm (I got hooked on the Glee Project) but after that she got into an LMN jag. Every movie seemed to be about mother's dead or dying, cancer and then the killer was babies. I did not want to watch it so I started puttering around and finally Jen said she'd change the channel. I was hoping this would open a conversation about how I'm feeling but I fought back the tears and thought of better things.
All day yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period. However, there I was obsessing on boards about PMS vs. early preggo symptoms. UGH! Then I had these pangs of "OMG, I could really be pregnant!" Jen commented last night that I should pick up a pregnancy test when I went out to get popcorn. I tried to be strong and say my period was due to start tomorrow or Wednesday anyway and didn't end up going. Just before bed I went to the bathroom and swore there was a bit of blood on the tissue. I was bummed and paranoid.
When I got up this morning I thought for sure I'd be flowing...nope. Thought I'd be flowing the next 2 times I went. NOPE. Jen asked before leaving for work why I was grumpy. I broke down. She said it will happen, we'll just have to save up, maybe just do one vial this time. I was hoping it would work with BJ! She didn't want to leave, I told her I'd be ok. She said keep busy.
So, here I sit, watching TV, on the computer, not being productive...not staying busy, feeling like I could bleed like a pig any minute now. I need to do something! I want to be growing and nurturing a life inside of me. UGH!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Agree to Disagree
When this process started, I wanted to wait 2 weeks to test but Jen was over excited and wanted to test early. We did, it was hard to see the negative, even harder when Mother Nature reassured us that it was negative. The second time, we had the test in the bathroom, I held on until 3 days before test time, Jen didn't want me to test and ruin the weekend. I was persistent and tested, it was negative but I handled it ok. We had a busy day, I didn't think of it until later that night when my mood was foul for other reasons. Mother Nature again said "uh-ah...flow time". Bitch! Now, here we are...I've wanted to test, BJ has wanted me to test, but Jen said she doesn't want to waste the money on a test...let just wait it out and see. So, maybe this is for the best but I'm still obsessing. Then events of the past two days (fallout with Jenny & the deck party) have kept my mind busy but the thought is always there that I want to test! However, the next few days with the impending doom of AF, I am going to not even think about it. I am going to get done what I need to for school, All State and other stuff around the house.
This will be my last blog (unless all hell breaks loose and I need to vent) until I have news one way or the other. So, let me just say, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant!
This will be my last blog (unless all hell breaks loose and I need to vent) until I have news one way or the other. So, let me just say, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant!
Friday, August 19, 2011
BLURG!
I have no other words to describe the way I am feeling. I'm upset and irritated because I don't think I'm pregnant...again. I'm worried because our donor is heading south, it's cheaper to fly him home than it is to store his sperm. I'm crampy, I want to eat all of the time, I need new contacts but haven't called yet, I don't want to go back to work, I have diarrea of the mouth (Jen felt she was a strong, independant woman and I called her cold), I'm gassy, constipated...wonder why with the crap I've been eating, I can't stop sweating because it's like 100% humidity. BLURG BLURG BLURG!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I Could Scream
I can't explain the feeling I have...it's like a fire...I want to get mad, but remain optimistic, but am giving up hope but can't give up because I need to hold on to the dream. I'm feeling so much love for Jen and then she drives me crazy in the next moment. I am obsessed, similar to the obsession after the May insemination. I can't seem to do anything productive, instead I lurk on the Babycenter board and blogs about babies. I want to be pregnant so bad!!!! I get pissy everytime I see a pregnant woman, a baby, and now I'm stuck planning a baby shower and having to buy baby things that are not for us! My emotions are in a whirlwind...can you tell?
I watched Back Up Plan with JLo yesterday. It only got one star...I could see why, but I was even bitter when her first insemination took. All I could think was "yeah right...you didn't think it would take and it did...whatever bitch!" I'm so bitter! Right now I'm watching GMA and there is a woman who had a backache and ended up giving birth! WHATEVER! Why can't I be pregnant? Why couldn't I get pregnant on the first try, second try, will the third time be a charm? I'm soooooooooooooooo....ugh I don't know...I can't say I'm frustrated, or even sad, I can't describe this!
I watched Back Up Plan with JLo yesterday. It only got one star...I could see why, but I was even bitter when her first insemination took. All I could think was "yeah right...you didn't think it would take and it did...whatever bitch!" I'm so bitter! Right now I'm watching GMA and there is a woman who had a backache and ended up giving birth! WHATEVER! Why can't I be pregnant? Why couldn't I get pregnant on the first try, second try, will the third time be a charm? I'm soooooooooooooooo....ugh I don't know...I can't say I'm frustrated, or even sad, I can't describe this!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
There are NO symptoms....
...keep telling yourself that!
So it's a week after insemination at home. With IUI followed cramping and gassy feelings...it was not a pleasant feeling but I though "I'll take it...this could be "it"!" This time around I felt nothing. Over the weekend I seemed to be naseaous after every meal. I didn't even feel hungry but I wanted something to eat...it was so weird. But it's not a symptom! (Keep telling yourself that). Yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period...Jen thought that was weird being Day 22...could it be a sym...NO! There are no symptoms!
So I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time am ready for this to take...I want to start our family in our new home! What do I have to do? Who do I have to pray to? Things happen when they are suppose to....well, what's wrong with now? I have NO reservations! I want a baby!
So it's a week after insemination at home. With IUI followed cramping and gassy feelings...it was not a pleasant feeling but I though "I'll take it...this could be "it"!" This time around I felt nothing. Over the weekend I seemed to be naseaous after every meal. I didn't even feel hungry but I wanted something to eat...it was so weird. But it's not a symptom! (Keep telling yourself that). Yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period...Jen thought that was weird being Day 22...could it be a sym...NO! There are no symptoms!
So I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time am ready for this to take...I want to start our family in our new home! What do I have to do? Who do I have to pray to? Things happen when they are suppose to....well, what's wrong with now? I have NO reservations! I want a baby!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Don't buy cheap OPKs!!!!
So to save a buck I decided to buy the Rite-Aid ovualtion kit. NEVER AGAIN! Although I'm hoping I never need to use one again (fingers crossed). I took them starting Monday (should've done it Sunday but I had to sneak out when my aunt was in the shower as it was). Monday, line but not as dark as the test line, Tuesday, line a little darker, still not a match, Wednesday, line like Tuesday, Thursday, line fainting, Friday, barely visable line.
So, we've "batter" up'd everynight this week. We've got it down to a science! I'm hoping this works!!!!
It's so funny how BJ has no clue about the female body. He's asked me everyday if I'd had morning sickness yet. I told him we wouldn't know anything until 2 weeks from now when I'm suppose to start then it'd be another few weeks before I start getting sick.
So, I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really want this to work. Maybe this is the way it's suppose to be. I am still in awe over the tremendous gift that BJ has given us. My only fear is that Jen isn't going to be able to let go of the thought that this is his biological make-up. I need a support group for the other parent. I want to understand and support her all of the way. Then again, I remember how she was with Lillie. It's not hard to fall in love with and bond with a child. Had Lillie been adopted by us, there is no doubt that parenting would take over any feelings of "this child is not genetically ours". The feeling will be even stronger with our child.
So, we've "batter" up'd everynight this week. We've got it down to a science! I'm hoping this works!!!!
It's so funny how BJ has no clue about the female body. He's asked me everyday if I'd had morning sickness yet. I told him we wouldn't know anything until 2 weeks from now when I'm suppose to start then it'd be another few weeks before I start getting sick.
So, I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really want this to work. Maybe this is the way it's suppose to be. I am still in awe over the tremendous gift that BJ has given us. My only fear is that Jen isn't going to be able to let go of the thought that this is his biological make-up. I need a support group for the other parent. I want to understand and support her all of the way. Then again, I remember how she was with Lillie. It's not hard to fall in love with and bond with a child. Had Lillie been adopted by us, there is no doubt that parenting would take over any feelings of "this child is not genetically ours". The feeling will be even stronger with our child.
Monday, August 8, 2011
New Method, 1st Try
So, we're trying the "turkey baster" method. Want to puzzle the hell out of a Walgreens cashier??? Purchase 5 medicine syringes, gladware cups and Pre-Seed lube! What a trip!
Tonight we had BJ, JP & Jenny over for dinner and came up with a game plan for our baby making evening. After an awesome dinner, Jen & I went into our room, BJ & JP went into the guest room and Jenny hung out at the computer blasting some song about bodies. Within minutes there was a knock at the door and Jen was handed a syringe full of baby batter. Well, the process wasn't as smooth as I hoped it would be. The syringe was really sharp and I kept tensing up. Jen had to remind me to relax. I wanted to cry when she pushed the plunger...cry because it was overwhelming that she was "getting me pregnant" (possibly) but also because this was a gift from BJ. We held each other tight for a few minutes, then she proped me up on pillows and sent Jenny in to chat with me while I laid there for 45 minutes. Fingers crossed this works...at least we get 5 trys!
Tonight we had BJ, JP & Jenny over for dinner and came up with a game plan for our baby making evening. After an awesome dinner, Jen & I went into our room, BJ & JP went into the guest room and Jenny hung out at the computer blasting some song about bodies. Within minutes there was a knock at the door and Jen was handed a syringe full of baby batter. Well, the process wasn't as smooth as I hoped it would be. The syringe was really sharp and I kept tensing up. Jen had to remind me to relax. I wanted to cry when she pushed the plunger...cry because it was overwhelming that she was "getting me pregnant" (possibly) but also because this was a gift from BJ. We held each other tight for a few minutes, then she proped me up on pillows and sent Jenny in to chat with me while I laid there for 45 minutes. Fingers crossed this works...at least we get 5 trys!
Not losing hope
Well, my week started last Monday with my period. So, I went into packing mode in tears and asking why. When Jen got up I was quiet...do I tell her right away? She asked what was the matter...I told her I started. I snuggled on the couch with her and cried. I made a comment about this month being too crazy and we should've just waited. Jen told me not think that way. After my moment, we text the appropriate people and went about packing. Who knows when we'll be able to try again. Between moving and running out of savings money, we're back at square one...having to save up.
We love the house we found. R & S helped us paint Wednesday & Friday as we got ready for the move. They helped us again on Saturday with the move. We had an awesome team of people packing, moving and unpacking. We're so lucky to have such great friends and family. Our final move was to get the cats and the pool table. What happened after that I never expected in a million years.
BJ, JP & Jenny met us over at the apartment. When S arrived with the trailer we moved the pool table to the house. S took off but the rest of us hung out, had a soda and chatted. Out of know where, BJ said "We've been talking seriously about something...I want to be your donor". I was in shock! I cried. This is the most amazing gift we could ever receive. He said he'll sign over anything necessary and doesn't want any responsibility. He can be Uncle BJ and if someday we want to share then we can do so.
So, tonight's the first night. We're going to try to make a baby with the fresh stuff and a syringe. We'll try every night this week while I'm fertile!
We love the house we found. R & S helped us paint Wednesday & Friday as we got ready for the move. They helped us again on Saturday with the move. We had an awesome team of people packing, moving and unpacking. We're so lucky to have such great friends and family. Our final move was to get the cats and the pool table. What happened after that I never expected in a million years.
BJ, JP & Jenny met us over at the apartment. When S arrived with the trailer we moved the pool table to the house. S took off but the rest of us hung out, had a soda and chatted. Out of know where, BJ said "We've been talking seriously about something...I want to be your donor". I was in shock! I cried. This is the most amazing gift we could ever receive. He said he'll sign over anything necessary and doesn't want any responsibility. He can be Uncle BJ and if someday we want to share then we can do so.
So, tonight's the first night. We're going to try to make a baby with the fresh stuff and a syringe. We'll try every night this week while I'm fertile!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Day 29 & 30
Saturday, July 23, 2011: We slept in the living room last night which meant little sleep. I woke up wanting to take a test so bad. When Jen woke I told her...she wasn't for it because she didn't want me to be depressed all weekend. I got my way and got a big fat negative. I held it together and went on with the day. We went to Pickle's 1st birthday party. Other than the sweltering heat, we had a great time catching up with The H Family and of course seeing Pickle. I almost fell apart during the slide show seeing pictures of S pregnant and newborn pictures of Pickle...that was tough. We came home and took a power nap before heading to the waterfront. We had a great dinner with A & K including a drink (Jen said maybe it would help relax that little ovum and him to attach...gosh I hope so). We headed to the waterfront (aka Dykefest...even Jen felt girlie) and waited for concert time. It was hot...that sun was blazing. We had excellent seats, I almost cried when Melissa took the stage. There was an awesome breeze and a beautiful sunset. What a great show!!! After the concert, I was ready to go home...I'd had enough of the heat and humidity but Jen wanted to go out for drinks. So we went back to the Seadog where she and K played pool and I text back and forth with friends at My Fork. Before I knew it we were talked into joining them. Jen told them I was grumpy...R said she knew how I felt and it sucked not being able to drink. It did suck...that I got a BFN on my test this morning...it was really starting to sink in that once again, it didn't work. After a little time at My Fork, we all went to Dysarts and got home around 3:00!
Sunday, July 24, 2011: I woke at 10am with a super horrible headache. I e-mailed M to let her know we wouldn't be out to her camp, Jen was asleep on the couch. I went back to bed and slept until Jen came and woke me at 3:00 to see if I was ok...just tired. I came downstairs, had some iced coffee and caught up with Jen. At 4:00 we broke into housework, Jen got groceries and made an awesome supper. I jumped in the shower then we watched a movie. After the movie I went to the bathroom...blood. My heart dropped. I didn't tell Jen...maybe it's just implantation bleeding. I literally prayed my period away when I went to bed...please give us one more Monday that is happy...we had a surge two weeks ago, got the news about the house last Monday, let's have a BFP this Monday PLEASE!!!!
Sunday, July 24, 2011: I woke at 10am with a super horrible headache. I e-mailed M to let her know we wouldn't be out to her camp, Jen was asleep on the couch. I went back to bed and slept until Jen came and woke me at 3:00 to see if I was ok...just tired. I came downstairs, had some iced coffee and caught up with Jen. At 4:00 we broke into housework, Jen got groceries and made an awesome supper. I jumped in the shower then we watched a movie. After the movie I went to the bathroom...blood. My heart dropped. I didn't tell Jen...maybe it's just implantation bleeding. I literally prayed my period away when I went to bed...please give us one more Monday that is happy...we had a surge two weeks ago, got the news about the house last Monday, let's have a BFP this Monday PLEASE!!!!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Days 24-28
Monday, July 18-Friday, July 22, 2011:
Well, any cramping I had is gone, no symptoms other than getting up to pee in the night consistently and still having to pee badly first thing in the morning. Still, it's been a busy week so there are times I actually stop in my tracks and say "wait, I could be pregnant". We finally got a house for rent, the one we looked at on my birthday...we were so excited when we got the call. Life is grand! We've been crazy busy packing, sorting stuff for the yard sale today (which is going to be in a 100 degree heat index...blah), and Logan's been here for the week so he's been a big help. He makes me think about my parenting and that the number one thing I want to instill in my child other than respect is self-confindence...it saddens me to see a kid so ashamed that he can't pour milk because he'll spill it.
Back to me...I am trying to stay positive but I know all-to-well that we could have another BFN but no amount of preparation can get us through that. I'm just scared of the future, financially we can't do another round for a while. It sucks but trying to stay positive...we'll see on Monday. Jen told her sister we tried again, so I felt stupid when I didn't answer her text honestly about how I was feeling...Jen didn't tell me because she thought I'd be mad. So how many people know now? Even I kept my mouth shut this time!
Well, any cramping I had is gone, no symptoms other than getting up to pee in the night consistently and still having to pee badly first thing in the morning. Still, it's been a busy week so there are times I actually stop in my tracks and say "wait, I could be pregnant". We finally got a house for rent, the one we looked at on my birthday...we were so excited when we got the call. Life is grand! We've been crazy busy packing, sorting stuff for the yard sale today (which is going to be in a 100 degree heat index...blah), and Logan's been here for the week so he's been a big help. He makes me think about my parenting and that the number one thing I want to instill in my child other than respect is self-confindence...it saddens me to see a kid so ashamed that he can't pour milk because he'll spill it.
Back to me...I am trying to stay positive but I know all-to-well that we could have another BFN but no amount of preparation can get us through that. I'm just scared of the future, financially we can't do another round for a while. It sucks but trying to stay positive...we'll see on Monday. Jen told her sister we tried again, so I felt stupid when I didn't answer her text honestly about how I was feeling...Jen didn't tell me because she thought I'd be mad. So how many people know now? Even I kept my mouth shut this time!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Day 22 & 23
Day 22: Saturday, July 16, 2011: Happy 35th Birthday to me!!!!
A milestone in my life because Mom never made it to this age. I loved all the facebook wishes and I had a great day. Jen made me a breakfast pizza and we sorted Magic cards (yawn...but I do like to organize). At 10am we went and looked at the house up the street...a little older but we can definately make it work...loved the outside. We came right home and filled out the application. Curtis will call us Monday! Then we made a scoreboard for our new Baggo game. I wasn't thrilled about being out the in sun but I knew it wouldn't be long. Jen started prepping food so I headed to Subway for lunch. Jen's sandwich SUCKED...it was so dry! I wrote and complained! We made kabobs and chilled for a bit but R said come over whenever, they were ready. We grabbed ice and beer from the store then off to the R & S's. We weren't there long before Jenny showed up and in the pool we went. It was SO nice. Benny joined us without Justin and the party began. We played Baggo, ate kabobs and salad, played more Bagoo, went swimming again, had a fire, made smores, shared a lot of laughs and enjoyed good times with friends. I feel blessed and fortunate to have such wonderful friends. My one wish for this birthday...is next year we increase the party by one guest! ;-)
Day 23, Sunday, July 17, 2011
Another hazy, hot & humid day...I've had about enough...bring on fall weather! However, after sorting more Magic cards this morning and going to Benny's so Jen could open their booster box, we went to the K's for a dip in the pool...even though they weren't home. Jen was trying to have me toss her but I didn't have the strength in my lower abs to do so. Even after some time in the pool I have a dull ache down there. I'm trying not to read into it but I can't help it...it feels different than last time! I mentioned something to Jenny and she got all negative Nancy on my "You had that last time...it's too soon...I never felt anything until 4 months in". If the is a big "pos" (as K called it) you better believe I'm going to rub it in her face!!! I just need that positive reinforcement right now...the negativity does not help keep my faith! Jen & I haven't talked about my aches at all...except in the pool...but she knows my stomach is tender. 1 week to go until testing. We find out tomorrow if we got the house. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
A milestone in my life because Mom never made it to this age. I loved all the facebook wishes and I had a great day. Jen made me a breakfast pizza and we sorted Magic cards (yawn...but I do like to organize). At 10am we went and looked at the house up the street...a little older but we can definately make it work...loved the outside. We came right home and filled out the application. Curtis will call us Monday! Then we made a scoreboard for our new Baggo game. I wasn't thrilled about being out the in sun but I knew it wouldn't be long. Jen started prepping food so I headed to Subway for lunch. Jen's sandwich SUCKED...it was so dry! I wrote and complained! We made kabobs and chilled for a bit but R said come over whenever, they were ready. We grabbed ice and beer from the store then off to the R & S's. We weren't there long before Jenny showed up and in the pool we went. It was SO nice. Benny joined us without Justin and the party began. We played Baggo, ate kabobs and salad, played more Bagoo, went swimming again, had a fire, made smores, shared a lot of laughs and enjoyed good times with friends. I feel blessed and fortunate to have such wonderful friends. My one wish for this birthday...is next year we increase the party by one guest! ;-)
Day 23, Sunday, July 17, 2011
Another hazy, hot & humid day...I've had about enough...bring on fall weather! However, after sorting more Magic cards this morning and going to Benny's so Jen could open their booster box, we went to the K's for a dip in the pool...even though they weren't home. Jen was trying to have me toss her but I didn't have the strength in my lower abs to do so. Even after some time in the pool I have a dull ache down there. I'm trying not to read into it but I can't help it...it feels different than last time! I mentioned something to Jenny and she got all negative Nancy on my "You had that last time...it's too soon...I never felt anything until 4 months in". If the is a big "pos" (as K called it) you better believe I'm going to rub it in her face!!! I just need that positive reinforcement right now...the negativity does not help keep my faith! Jen & I haven't talked about my aches at all...except in the pool...but she knows my stomach is tender. 1 week to go until testing. We find out tomorrow if we got the house. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Day 21
Friday, July 15, 2011: Symptoms of the day, very light cramps, hot flashes, dizzy feeling, consuming large amounts of water but not peeing.
On the house front, we went and looked at a nice townhouse...definately have to get rid of stuff but it had a condo feel, no yard either...that was a bummer. The owner was super nice and has another place for rent on French Island...we have an appointment to see that tomorrow.
We spent most of the day running around Bangor and Brewer then finally got to hang out with R & K for the remainder of the day. Renee even made us supper...so cool! She offered their place/pool for my party tomorrow night. I love my friends!
35 tomorrow....an age my mom didn't reach...I hope 35 is only the beginning of my adulthood!
On the house front, we went and looked at a nice townhouse...definately have to get rid of stuff but it had a condo feel, no yard either...that was a bummer. The owner was super nice and has another place for rent on French Island...we have an appointment to see that tomorrow.
We spent most of the day running around Bangor and Brewer then finally got to hang out with R & K for the remainder of the day. Renee even made us supper...so cool! She offered their place/pool for my party tomorrow night. I love my friends!
35 tomorrow....an age my mom didn't reach...I hope 35 is only the beginning of my adulthood!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Days 4-20
So, I was a lot better at blogging when I was too busy to do so! Weird how that happens, but, here's what I've been up to!
In a nutshell stressful, but a different kind of stress for me than work. For Jen it's been work related. For both of us it's been finding a place to live, having a kid in the house for a week at a time, and then getting back to us.
However, the focus of this blog is a baby so that's what I'll write about more than all the other stuff.
Day 4: Tuesday, June 28, 2011: Finally heard back from the Dr. about the clomid. There will be no increase. If we have to go a 3rd try, she may increase it but not now because I responded well to it before. The ultrasound this time was optional but I went for it anyway. What a fool too because it wasn't a pleasant experience!
Day 12: Wednesday, July 6, 2011: Jen & I have Lillie for the week so guess who got to go to the ultrasound. She was good, asked a few questions and played with my ipod. When I heard back from the Dr. later in the morning I was told that the ultrasound looked good. I told Lillie I had several eggs....told her 4 because she wanted a number.
Day 17: Monday, July 11, 2011: Finally got a positive ovulation test...today is IUI day! The worst wait was for the doctor's office to open at 9, then the 45 minutes it took for Chris to get back to us. She said they were super busy today but 11:15 so glad we get "fit" in for an IUI. We arrived a little early and didn't really wait all that long. Back to Room 4 again and we felt like old pros. Chris gave us a scare when she poked her head in and asked if we were suppose to have 2 vials. I asked if there were two...she said yes, just checking. PHEW! Dr. B came in without Chris who was apparently MIA with the sperm. Dr. B got me into position and warmed up the speculum while waiting for Chris, of whom she ended up having to page. Chris came in and the process began. Dr. B talked and said to Chris they may have to do the trick. I had no clue what the trick was. Apparently the trick is taking a deep breath and baring down. Didn't have to do that nor did she have to use the tenaculum...thank goodness. When Dr. B was filling the tube she asked Chris if she got it all...I joked about geting the last 2 million...Dr. B said give or take a million. I felt nothing of the initial IUI this time...yay! We got ready for the 20 minute wait, Dr. B took a sample to the lab and Chris got cleaned up while talking about tomorrow...Dr. B is not here, we have to have Dr. G or Dr. R. I was bummed! Dr. B poked her head back in to say that the sample was really good, very active. YAY! Dr. B insisted I be scheduled with Dr. R since my cervix was difficult to find. Glad I have such a proactice doctor. After returning home, Jen did some work on reviews and I laid on the couch feeling a little crampy. Later we met up with R & K at CGP which turned into a pit fire back at R's. We let them in on our little secret...K was hugging us and saying she was so happy for us.
Day 18: Tuesday, July 12, 2011: Back to Dr.'s at 10am. We got registered right away because the reception remembered us. We waited a little longer but before we knew it Dr. R's nurse Erika was bringing us in...you guessed it, Room 4. She asked a few questions and we only waited a few minutes for Dr. R. I looked over on the tray and there was the tenaculum...I freaked, Jen said they probably just had it ready just-in-case. Soon Dr. R arrived and was accompanied by Dr. G. She asked if I minded if I observed. I couldn't say "no". I assumed the position, Dr. R had a very thick accent and asked if I was taking folic acid. She talked through everything she did. I felt every moment of the IUI and she pulled the speculum out so slow and talked about the mucus...gross. We sat for 20 minutes, Jen got to time us, then met up with Jenny who helped me do housework then took me out to lunch. Tonight I was very crampy...what's up with that???
Day 19: Wednesday, July 13, 2011: Spent the day watching Pickle and wow was it hard to keep my mind off the cramping. I took him for a walk but that was a struggle, sitting on the floor hurt, sitting in a chair hurt. As soon as I got home I went to bed. Jen & I had to go out for a few groceries and that was a challenge. I didn't even feel like eating. I went home, laid on the couch and cracked open a ginger ale. I though Jen laying on me would make me feel better but it only made it worse, especially when she was playing with the cat and threw her head back...that killed! Jen asked if I took the last ovulation test. I said no because if there were still two lines I'd freak out. I took it anyway...only 1 line...phew. Maybe we timed this one just right! I took advil which kicked in around 8pm and I was ready for bed an hour later. What's up with these cramps!
Day 20: Thursday, July 14, 2011: Spent another day with Pickle. I slept so much better last night than I have since the insemination. Cramps were far less today than the past two days, thank goodness. We looked at another apartment house tonight...my head touched the ceiling and the landlords were parents from Milford. Jen and I got in a horrible fight tonight because I'm freaking out having to make calls, e-mail, etc. I just want some help but she gets all defensive. Finally things calmed down and it was back to the searching.
In a nutshell stressful, but a different kind of stress for me than work. For Jen it's been work related. For both of us it's been finding a place to live, having a kid in the house for a week at a time, and then getting back to us.
However, the focus of this blog is a baby so that's what I'll write about more than all the other stuff.
Day 4: Tuesday, June 28, 2011: Finally heard back from the Dr. about the clomid. There will be no increase. If we have to go a 3rd try, she may increase it but not now because I responded well to it before. The ultrasound this time was optional but I went for it anyway. What a fool too because it wasn't a pleasant experience!
Day 12: Wednesday, July 6, 2011: Jen & I have Lillie for the week so guess who got to go to the ultrasound. She was good, asked a few questions and played with my ipod. When I heard back from the Dr. later in the morning I was told that the ultrasound looked good. I told Lillie I had several eggs....told her 4 because she wanted a number.
Day 17: Monday, July 11, 2011: Finally got a positive ovulation test...today is IUI day! The worst wait was for the doctor's office to open at 9, then the 45 minutes it took for Chris to get back to us. She said they were super busy today but 11:15 so glad we get "fit" in for an IUI. We arrived a little early and didn't really wait all that long. Back to Room 4 again and we felt like old pros. Chris gave us a scare when she poked her head in and asked if we were suppose to have 2 vials. I asked if there were two...she said yes, just checking. PHEW! Dr. B came in without Chris who was apparently MIA with the sperm. Dr. B got me into position and warmed up the speculum while waiting for Chris, of whom she ended up having to page. Chris came in and the process began. Dr. B talked and said to Chris they may have to do the trick. I had no clue what the trick was. Apparently the trick is taking a deep breath and baring down. Didn't have to do that nor did she have to use the tenaculum...thank goodness. When Dr. B was filling the tube she asked Chris if she got it all...I joked about geting the last 2 million...Dr. B said give or take a million. I felt nothing of the initial IUI this time...yay! We got ready for the 20 minute wait, Dr. B took a sample to the lab and Chris got cleaned up while talking about tomorrow...Dr. B is not here, we have to have Dr. G or Dr. R. I was bummed! Dr. B poked her head back in to say that the sample was really good, very active. YAY! Dr. B insisted I be scheduled with Dr. R since my cervix was difficult to find. Glad I have such a proactice doctor. After returning home, Jen did some work on reviews and I laid on the couch feeling a little crampy. Later we met up with R & K at CGP which turned into a pit fire back at R's. We let them in on our little secret...K was hugging us and saying she was so happy for us.
Day 18: Tuesday, July 12, 2011: Back to Dr.'s at 10am. We got registered right away because the reception remembered us. We waited a little longer but before we knew it Dr. R's nurse Erika was bringing us in...you guessed it, Room 4. She asked a few questions and we only waited a few minutes for Dr. R. I looked over on the tray and there was the tenaculum...I freaked, Jen said they probably just had it ready just-in-case. Soon Dr. R arrived and was accompanied by Dr. G. She asked if I minded if I observed. I couldn't say "no". I assumed the position, Dr. R had a very thick accent and asked if I was taking folic acid. She talked through everything she did. I felt every moment of the IUI and she pulled the speculum out so slow and talked about the mucus...gross. We sat for 20 minutes, Jen got to time us, then met up with Jenny who helped me do housework then took me out to lunch. Tonight I was very crampy...what's up with that???
Day 19: Wednesday, July 13, 2011: Spent the day watching Pickle and wow was it hard to keep my mind off the cramping. I took him for a walk but that was a struggle, sitting on the floor hurt, sitting in a chair hurt. As soon as I got home I went to bed. Jen & I had to go out for a few groceries and that was a challenge. I didn't even feel like eating. I went home, laid on the couch and cracked open a ginger ale. I though Jen laying on me would make me feel better but it only made it worse, especially when she was playing with the cat and threw her head back...that killed! Jen asked if I took the last ovulation test. I said no because if there were still two lines I'd freak out. I took it anyway...only 1 line...phew. Maybe we timed this one just right! I took advil which kicked in around 8pm and I was ready for bed an hour later. What's up with these cramps!
Day 20: Thursday, July 14, 2011: Spent another day with Pickle. I slept so much better last night than I have since the insemination. Cramps were far less today than the past two days, thank goodness. We looked at another apartment house tonight...my head touched the ceiling and the landlords were parents from Milford. Jen and I got in a horrible fight tonight because I'm freaking out having to make calls, e-mail, etc. I just want some help but she gets all defensive. Finally things calmed down and it was back to the searching.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 1-3....again
So, it begins. I've finished up all my school stuff, summer has started, packing is starting, and we begin the cycle of IUI again. It's strange how 1 month has gone by so much faster than the two week wait did.
I was truly inspired by a recent event to get this process up and running for sure. I attended the funeral of 4 day old, 28 week premature Alexander. It's strange how families deal with an infant death. Having been to two infant burials now, I can honestly say it's like night and day. Schuyler's was very informal and just a burial, Alex's was very by the book with visiting hours, funeral and burial. So sad. What was worse was when I went to hug D and she said "This must be so hard on you." I was speechless, she is laying her son to rest and nursing his twin brother in the NICU yet has the time to think about me. I was so inspired that I ran home, wrote out the check to CCB and readied myself to go through this process again...with Alex and his family in mind.
So, I wait patiently by the phone for the doctor's office to call in hopes that there is nothing standing in the way of the second try. This time, we tell NOBODY! If it doesn't work, no one will ask...if it does work, there will be much celebration!
I was truly inspired by a recent event to get this process up and running for sure. I attended the funeral of 4 day old, 28 week premature Alexander. It's strange how families deal with an infant death. Having been to two infant burials now, I can honestly say it's like night and day. Schuyler's was very informal and just a burial, Alex's was very by the book with visiting hours, funeral and burial. So sad. What was worse was when I went to hug D and she said "This must be so hard on you." I was speechless, she is laying her son to rest and nursing his twin brother in the NICU yet has the time to think about me. I was so inspired that I ran home, wrote out the check to CCB and readied myself to go through this process again...with Alex and his family in mind.
So, I wait patiently by the phone for the doctor's office to call in hopes that there is nothing standing in the way of the second try. This time, we tell NOBODY! If it doesn't work, no one will ask...if it does work, there will be much celebration!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Taking a break....
So, I've been in a total slump for the past 12 days. I thought I would be able to prepare for the worst but hope for the best but instead I was just plain depressed. Jen was just as bummed but both of our true feelings came out when we had Jenny over for dinner. Jen expressed that she was mad at the doctor, that she failed us. I told her she couldn't be mad at the doctor, she should be mad at me because my body failed us. We did make a decision to wait until July to try again, and this time, we aren't telling anyone...we're just going to quietly go about our business then we'll see what happens.
The next day started off better. But then....
...we lost hot water again. I placed a call to Stan, he fixed it, stopped at Sallie's then stopped at our door. Another incident with the dog. Bullshit but I didn't argue because he always takes her side. It was like another kick in the heart. Jen and I talked about what to do then I spent the next 2 hours crying. Why does the universe hate us? What did we do? What can we do? We made arrangements for Bruschi to go with Jenny then I put a rant on facebook about housing. Within a few hours, a co-worker said they had a rental attached to their house in Bangor. The next morning she called me and we went over to look at it. A studio...we're not that desperate! But there was a 2 bedroom, 2nd floor unit that was comparable to our current place. We were just so overwhelmed we couldn't make a decision. After a few days of discussion, we thought, what the hell, let's get away from this bitch. Move in won't be until August but there is a light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.
I am just so stressed about all that needs to be done. The truck needs to be fixed, which is going to be a bigger job than I think Jen realizes. We pushed it away from the weeds and the back bumper was completely rusted through. We need to find new homes for 4 of our cats. Jenny has agreed to take Fenway...that's one down! Jen wants to keep Cora but that's another $300 we have to come up with. I just want someone to drop a couple thousand dollars in our laps and have everything be taken care of!
I have tons of things that need to be done and I have no desire or energy to do any of them. I've fallen off the "diet" wagon again. No time, it seems, to go to the Y for a workout. I feel crappy, I want to sleep all of the time, and I'm sure I've put some weight back on.
And then there's work...way too much crammed into far too little time. A huge misunderstanding on my part has led to the decision I need to make whether or not to cancel Cabaret Night. I don't think the kids are ready anyway, but they would be more upset if it doesn't happen at all. I still have 1 more concert, a play, class trip, bbq, graduation night.....too much....I'm giving something up next year and rearranging other things. I need to focus on ME!
I just need to get through these next few weeks and then hopefully the stress will lift and all will be right with my world again and I can focus on a baby body and packing for our new life in Bangor.
The next day started off better. But then....
...we lost hot water again. I placed a call to Stan, he fixed it, stopped at Sallie's then stopped at our door. Another incident with the dog. Bullshit but I didn't argue because he always takes her side. It was like another kick in the heart. Jen and I talked about what to do then I spent the next 2 hours crying. Why does the universe hate us? What did we do? What can we do? We made arrangements for Bruschi to go with Jenny then I put a rant on facebook about housing. Within a few hours, a co-worker said they had a rental attached to their house in Bangor. The next morning she called me and we went over to look at it. A studio...we're not that desperate! But there was a 2 bedroom, 2nd floor unit that was comparable to our current place. We were just so overwhelmed we couldn't make a decision. After a few days of discussion, we thought, what the hell, let's get away from this bitch. Move in won't be until August but there is a light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.
I am just so stressed about all that needs to be done. The truck needs to be fixed, which is going to be a bigger job than I think Jen realizes. We pushed it away from the weeds and the back bumper was completely rusted through. We need to find new homes for 4 of our cats. Jenny has agreed to take Fenway...that's one down! Jen wants to keep Cora but that's another $300 we have to come up with. I just want someone to drop a couple thousand dollars in our laps and have everything be taken care of!
I have tons of things that need to be done and I have no desire or energy to do any of them. I've fallen off the "diet" wagon again. No time, it seems, to go to the Y for a workout. I feel crappy, I want to sleep all of the time, and I'm sure I've put some weight back on.
And then there's work...way too much crammed into far too little time. A huge misunderstanding on my part has led to the decision I need to make whether or not to cancel Cabaret Night. I don't think the kids are ready anyway, but they would be more upset if it doesn't happen at all. I still have 1 more concert, a play, class trip, bbq, graduation night.....too much....I'm giving something up next year and rearranging other things. I need to focus on ME!
I just need to get through these next few weeks and then hopefully the stress will lift and all will be right with my world again and I can focus on a baby body and packing for our new life in Bangor.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Day 30 & 31
Day 30: Wednesday, May 25, 2011
In a much better mood today. I think the sun helps too! Cramps are gone but I still feel bloated. I'm trying to be optimistic.
Day 31: Thursday, May 26, 2011
Other than being tired and cranky, I tried to keep an open mind and hope for the best tomorrow. Well, before classes started in Bradley this morning, I went to the bathroom. Brownish tint...that's not good. A few hours late after arriving in Milford went again...liner had obvious spotting. I text Jen immediately. She and I almost immediately said "implantation bleeding". We are trying to find anything to keep us believing. I am trying to stay positive but I have a horrible feeling that this isn't my lucky month.
In a much better mood today. I think the sun helps too! Cramps are gone but I still feel bloated. I'm trying to be optimistic.
Day 31: Thursday, May 26, 2011
Other than being tired and cranky, I tried to keep an open mind and hope for the best tomorrow. Well, before classes started in Bradley this morning, I went to the bathroom. Brownish tint...that's not good. A few hours late after arriving in Milford went again...liner had obvious spotting. I text Jen immediately. She and I almost immediately said "implantation bleeding". We are trying to find anything to keep us believing. I am trying to stay positive but I have a horrible feeling that this isn't my lucky month.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Day 29
Day 29: Tuesday, May 24
What a weepy day! I cried at the drop of a hat all day. This morning after bringing Jen to Bangor I watched last week's Glee while eating breakfast. It was an episode about a funeral but it was the song "Pure Imagination" that killed me. It was almost like a lullaby I'd never sing to my child I'm never going to have. Then at school I saw R,K. She asked how I was feeling so I shared that we took a test. I was fighting back tears. She didn't have anything to say. I felt so down all day and the kids didn't help my mood! I'm so worried about this concert! Then I had the fuck-its so I decided to clean my office. I went to lunch where J.B. and I had a chat about my test. She said it is best to take it in the morning and wait a few more days. I'm waiting until Friday! Again, fighting back tears. I went back to my room and played "Calling All Angels", post it to facebook and she a few tears. That got me through my day. Took several trips to the bathroom today too...cramps, bloating, PMS-like symptoms but all that was there was mucous...good sign? When I got home, I laid on the bed and talked to the baby that didn't bless us this month. Had a good cry and went about my business. As I was doing housework I was watching Oprah. There was Kristen Chenoweth performing "For Good"...Oprah cried, I cried. I went to pick up Jen, I forgot to reply to her text and left my phone at home so her first words were "Can't reply to my text?"...I wanted to burst into tears. About halfway home she asked why I was being grumpy....cue the tears! I pulled into KFC and ordered us supper...Jen rubbed my back...I needed her touch. I fought back tears through supper but we kept the conversation light. We watched Idol cuddled on the couch. Tomorrow is a new day...one more day for my body to figure out what the hell it wants to do. Goodness my boobs hurt!
What a weepy day! I cried at the drop of a hat all day. This morning after bringing Jen to Bangor I watched last week's Glee while eating breakfast. It was an episode about a funeral but it was the song "Pure Imagination" that killed me. It was almost like a lullaby I'd never sing to my child I'm never going to have. Then at school I saw R,K. She asked how I was feeling so I shared that we took a test. I was fighting back tears. She didn't have anything to say. I felt so down all day and the kids didn't help my mood! I'm so worried about this concert! Then I had the fuck-its so I decided to clean my office. I went to lunch where J.B. and I had a chat about my test. She said it is best to take it in the morning and wait a few more days. I'm waiting until Friday! Again, fighting back tears. I went back to my room and played "Calling All Angels", post it to facebook and she a few tears. That got me through my day. Took several trips to the bathroom today too...cramps, bloating, PMS-like symptoms but all that was there was mucous...good sign? When I got home, I laid on the bed and talked to the baby that didn't bless us this month. Had a good cry and went about my business. As I was doing housework I was watching Oprah. There was Kristen Chenoweth performing "For Good"...Oprah cried, I cried. I went to pick up Jen, I forgot to reply to her text and left my phone at home so her first words were "Can't reply to my text?"...I wanted to burst into tears. About halfway home she asked why I was being grumpy....cue the tears! I pulled into KFC and ordered us supper...Jen rubbed my back...I needed her touch. I fought back tears through supper but we kept the conversation light. We watched Idol cuddled on the couch. Tomorrow is a new day...one more day for my body to figure out what the hell it wants to do. Goodness my boobs hurt!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Day 26, 27 & 28
Day 26 & 27: Saturday, May 21 & Sunday, May 22, 2011
Well, the end of the world didn't happen. Happy No Rapture! I have things to do. Had Hunter's birthday in the rain and a bbq in the rain. The best part of the day was the ride around the loop. I was crabby all day Saturday and then just tired and crabby Sunday. This week needs to be over with fast!
Day 28: Monday, May 23, 2011
Michelle text me today...that was random. Asked how I was feeling and when my period was suppose to start. I told her my symptoms and she said that's what she had when she was pregnant both times. I talked to a few people today "prepare for the worst, hope for the best"...not sure what to do now?
When Jen got home she started talking about a pregnancy test. Before long we were reading about it and then after supper we went and bought one. I wanted to wait til 8pm to take it but she wanted it over with. She kept saying not to freak out...easier said than done. I peed, I dipped, we waited. Jen checked it...don't freak out...only one line...negative. I started to cry. We sat on the couch for a while. How could I help it...I was trying to be positive but the test wasn't. What the hell did I do wrong? Was it not timed well enough? Did the sperm sit to long? Did I tell to many people? The only words I squeaked out were "I was hoping our good luck would continue." Jen text Michelle and she said she took those tests for weeks before anything showed up and I really should wait until I miss my period. Jen calmed me down and we finished "The Karate Kid". How am I suppose to get through the week now? I liked the idea of waiting til Friday better! We test again Friday...please Dear God, let this be my time!
Well, the end of the world didn't happen. Happy No Rapture! I have things to do. Had Hunter's birthday in the rain and a bbq in the rain. The best part of the day was the ride around the loop. I was crabby all day Saturday and then just tired and crabby Sunday. This week needs to be over with fast!
Day 28: Monday, May 23, 2011
Michelle text me today...that was random. Asked how I was feeling and when my period was suppose to start. I told her my symptoms and she said that's what she had when she was pregnant both times. I talked to a few people today "prepare for the worst, hope for the best"...not sure what to do now?
When Jen got home she started talking about a pregnancy test. Before long we were reading about it and then after supper we went and bought one. I wanted to wait til 8pm to take it but she wanted it over with. She kept saying not to freak out...easier said than done. I peed, I dipped, we waited. Jen checked it...don't freak out...only one line...negative. I started to cry. We sat on the couch for a while. How could I help it...I was trying to be positive but the test wasn't. What the hell did I do wrong? Was it not timed well enough? Did the sperm sit to long? Did I tell to many people? The only words I squeaked out were "I was hoping our good luck would continue." Jen text Michelle and she said she took those tests for weeks before anything showed up and I really should wait until I miss my period. Jen calmed me down and we finished "The Karate Kid". How am I suppose to get through the week now? I liked the idea of waiting til Friday better! We test again Friday...please Dear God, let this be my time!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day 23-25
Day 23-25: Wednesday, May 18th-20th
Well, the cramping is coming and going. I've been pretty busy so I haven't noticed as much either. I'm still optimistic although I had a horrid dream last night. I went to Dr.'s office for a check up. The nurse was talking about how things were looking good but one of the nurses gave her notice because she didn't like the atomosphere. I got reassurance that Dr. B did the procedure, not the nurse. She said yes and that my counts looked really good. Then she proceeded to do a physical. She pushed on my pelvic area and the look on her face indicated I was pregnant. Then she moved up toward my waist and jammed her fist into my mid-section. I cried and let out a big breath. She leaned in and said "When mom told you to loose weight before pregnancy she meant it!" Then she arranged for a tummy tuck to remove the excess fat in my waist. I bolted out of there scared and didn't even pay. I jumped into a helicopter at the gas station around the corner from North El. (I love how dreams get twisted). When the helicopter had no room to get around the wires, I bounced it up Jewett St. where PreK was dressed in monkey costumes. I decided to head to the fairgrouds to take off but not before helping Michelle and Pete serve lunch to the PK class. Pete had a chicken salad club...it looked real good...I woke from the dream wanting one!
So we have one week to wait. I'm getting nervous and excited. These cramps must mean something. Then I try to not get my hopes up. Then I think "I could be pregnant". Then I think "I may not be, where are we going to get the other $700 to have another insemination?" But stress I won't until I need to.
Well, the cramping is coming and going. I've been pretty busy so I haven't noticed as much either. I'm still optimistic although I had a horrid dream last night. I went to Dr.'s office for a check up. The nurse was talking about how things were looking good but one of the nurses gave her notice because she didn't like the atomosphere. I got reassurance that Dr. B did the procedure, not the nurse. She said yes and that my counts looked really good. Then she proceeded to do a physical. She pushed on my pelvic area and the look on her face indicated I was pregnant. Then she moved up toward my waist and jammed her fist into my mid-section. I cried and let out a big breath. She leaned in and said "When mom told you to loose weight before pregnancy she meant it!" Then she arranged for a tummy tuck to remove the excess fat in my waist. I bolted out of there scared and didn't even pay. I jumped into a helicopter at the gas station around the corner from North El. (I love how dreams get twisted). When the helicopter had no room to get around the wires, I bounced it up Jewett St. where PreK was dressed in monkey costumes. I decided to head to the fairgrouds to take off but not before helping Michelle and Pete serve lunch to the PK class. Pete had a chicken salad club...it looked real good...I woke from the dream wanting one!
So we have one week to wait. I'm getting nervous and excited. These cramps must mean something. Then I try to not get my hopes up. Then I think "I could be pregnant". Then I think "I may not be, where are we going to get the other $700 to have another insemination?" But stress I won't until I need to.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Day 21 & 22
Monday, May 16th & Tuesday, May 17th:
Despite what I've read and what people are saying, I think I'm pregnant. I've had weird cramps, different than PMS cramps all day Monday and today. I'm tired, I have a headache. I can't sleep on my stomach comfortably and I'm peeing alot. Maybe it's all in my head and Renee is right, there is no way emotionally do deal with what the outcome will be in 10 days, but the signs are growing. I hope a baby is growing in there too. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Jen said I have to not read the online blogs and forums, but I've been doing it all along so I will continue. I love hearing other peoples experiences. Like Jean said, everyone experiences something different. So, if I get a positive test in 10 days...phooy on all you nay-sayers. If I get a negative test...we do it all over again.
Despite what I've read and what people are saying, I think I'm pregnant. I've had weird cramps, different than PMS cramps all day Monday and today. I'm tired, I have a headache. I can't sleep on my stomach comfortably and I'm peeing alot. Maybe it's all in my head and Renee is right, there is no way emotionally do deal with what the outcome will be in 10 days, but the signs are growing. I hope a baby is growing in there too. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Jen said I have to not read the online blogs and forums, but I've been doing it all along so I will continue. I love hearing other peoples experiences. Like Jean said, everyone experiences something different. So, if I get a positive test in 10 days...phooy on all you nay-sayers. If I get a negative test...we do it all over again.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Day 13-20
Day 13: Sunday, May 8th, Mother's Day
Another negative test. Spent the morning with Jen & her dad fishing, trying to keep that chin up. After returning home, I went to Walmart and got a few things for home and roses. Went to Mom's plot, placed a yellow rose for her and a pastel yellow rose in honor of her future grandchild, asking her to help us along this week. Then I went to Gram's plot. There I left a dark pink rose for her and a light pink rose in honor of her future great-grandchild. The rest of the day was spent with Jen's family. I took another test when we got home and it was still negative. Jen said to be sure to call the doctor. I will! However, I will pray for a positive test in the morning too.
Day 14: Monday, May 9th
Negative test. Kind of bummed. Jen left early for Portland so I walked to school. Went to see R.K to see if I could get a ride to the Y. She asked if I tested positive, I said no and was trying not to stress. I called Dr.B's office right at 9am. I told the nurse the sperm would be arriving today but I still hadn't surged. I wanted some words of assurance or some plan of action but all she said was "good luck". I rode with R.K to the Y, we talked about the time frame and how Jen was freaking out but I was suppose to remain calm. R.K did point out that it was only Monday, we had the whole week, something will happen. Got back from an awesome workout and took another test...negative!
Day 15: Tuesday, May 10th
Negative test to start the day. What a way to start the morning. Jen said the line was a little darker...she's totally lying. I dug the other one out of the trash...no difference! Walked into school again my mind only thinking about surging. I had a busy day with a rehearsal til 4:30 so I'd hoped to keep my mind busy too. Not so much...my few friends who knew checking in...still nothing all I have to report. Got an e-mail from D.C about what's going on...I kind of like that she doesn't know because I'm sure it's eating her up. Kept busy when I got home from school. Took another test...negative. Maybe tomorrow.
Day 16: Wednesday, May 11th
My mom died 2 months and 5 days before her 35th birthday...in 2 months and 5 days I will be 35. So instead of stressing over ANOTHER negative test. I'm going to be greatful to be alive, healthy and loved. I'm in such a better place that my mom was and living a life more fulfilled with hers with the exception of the one thing she loved the most...her own children. At school S.J and I talked a lot. They reassured me not to stress. R.K "still nothing"....I told her we were going to go anyway...might as well, we paid for the stuff. S.K questioned with a thumbs up or thumbs down...we talked for a sec...he said go anyway and hope for the best. Went through my day praying I'd surge soon. Took a test when I got home...negative...still. I kept busy, made supper for when Jen got home then went to the Y. Tomorrow's it...if the doctor will still do it.
Day 17: Thursday, May 12th
NEGATIVE!!!! All I thought about all morning was calling the doctor. I wanted to call as soon as 9am hit, my class was late, but I held off until after work. I stepped outside at 11:30 and it was so windy I couldn't make a call. So I started walking fast. I got just beyond the tax place and a car pulls up. It was M.L...I wanted to cry. A 40 minute journey home turned into 5 minutes. I got right on the phone with the Dr's office. The nurse wasn't available so I left a message and thought, what the hell, I'll go take a test. The line was significantly darker! I text a pic to Jen...she left work. The nurse called back, said I was on my way to a surge so we'd inseminate tomorrow. I asked her that since we have to do back to back why not do one today. She agreed and transfered me to the front desk to schedule a time. 2:15! I text a bunch of people...everyone was excited and questioned if I surged or just going in. I was so thrilled. I paced around the house until Jen got home then watched her eat, played on the ipod until finally we left.
There was a new receptionist at the Dr's office but she was cool. Jen & I had to sign an IUI contract. We returned to our seats and over the radio was "Calling All Angels". Mom was there with me. The nurse called us in...my heart fluttered. We went around to the back of the clinic in a large room. She talked us through the procedure real quick, had me undress and wait for the Dr. Moments later Dr. B came in "We are just surging all over the place". I assumed the position. She inserted the speculum first, said my cervix was a little high but she'd try to do it without the tenaculum because I was a little bit dialated. When that didn't work she asked for a longer, not wider, speculum and the tenaculum. On the count of 3 I had to cough and she'd grab on to my cervix. 1, 2, 3 cough...holy shit that hurt. I grabbed Jen's hand. Dr. B knew it was uncomfortable. I said it's okay, I had a good hand to hold. She said I'd feel awkward upward pressure...I guess so. I closed me eyes and squeezed Jen's hand. I felt a little pinch, that was the IUI. Done. I had to lay on the table for 20 minutes with a pillow under my hips. Jen text a bunch of people to let them know we were done. Jen should not be left alone in a room for that long. She was reading the warning label on a fetal monitor. When I told her what that was she said "I didn't know my feet had a heartbeat". Jen explained the tools Dr. B used...sounded scary, so glad I couldn't see. The nurse came back in asked if I had a pad because I'd probably have some light bleeding and cramping, that was perfectly normal. The nurse said to call again tomorrow if I surged. I asked if I could just make an appointment. She said that was a good idea and cancel if need be...I don't plan on canceling!
We checked out of there and zoomed off to my eye doctor's appointment then off to Walmart. On our way out we stopped and talked to Jenny. She hugged me so tight she wouldn't let go. We didn't get to talk long before she had to go back to work. She kissed me and hugged Jen. At Walmart we did go through the baby section. We found the travel system we like, the swing and the highchair we like, and bought a little stuffed giraffe. On the way home R.K text us about celebrating. We decided to head right to CPG. I had my last beer to celebrate. R.K joined us around 6pm. We told her all about the procedure and talked about baby names. She loves Emilyn Corinne....we do too and it's so meaningful. Emi/Emma because we like the name, Lyn for Lynda and Jen's middle name, and Corinne for Jen's mom's middle name. S.K joined us around 7:30...he gave me a big hug and was all smiles. I love that we have such great friends to celebrate with.
Day 18: Friday, May 13th:
100% POSITIVE!!! I woke at 3am, excited I guess, I couldn't sleep and badly had to pee. I thought if I got up early enough then I could still take a test before work. 7am...instant line...I was so excited, I hugged Jen, brought the test downstairs and took a picture, text it to R.K...she was so excited.
I had a smile on my face all day and couldn't wait for my morning to be over. Jen picked me up at work and we were way early for the appointment so we made a stop at Bull Moose. At the doctor's office we waited a little longer but still got in at a decent time. I was so nervous only because I knew the discomfort from the procedure so I was not looking forward to that. We headed to a room closer to the office and a little smaller too. I undressed, laid on the table and before long Dr. B came through the door "here we go again". She asked if I had spotting. I said it was more like light bleeding. She was that was normal and from the cervix, not the uterus. I told her I was bloated, she said "I didn't do that to you". She had me tilt my hips forward, inserted the speculum, asked if we had any plans for the weekend. Said she was going to try without the tenaculum first. Explained there was some brown discharge in there, a combination of old blood and cervical mucus....GROSS! I told her it was suppose to be rainy so we didn't really have any plans. She said there was always something you could find to do "hey look at that". I was looking around the room. She had inserted the IUI on the first try. I was so happy she didn't have to use the scissors of pain. I felt a little pressure and it was over. She said she hoped the next time she heard from me it will be with good news. The nurse put the pillow under my hips and the 20 minute wait began. Jen leaned up and kissed me then we proceeded to talk and be silly. The nurse came in saying she made me lay there a little longer today. I asked when to take a test. She said some people take one after 4-5 days but they like us to wait the two weeks or the first day of my missed period...blah blah blah Beta....blah blah blah Hgc. We headed out, dropped $270 at the desk and went to lunch.
We threw around the idea of a nap but decided to get our grocery shopping done and head home to get the house picked up. After that was all done, we chilled out in the living room. I put a heating pad on my tummy and prayed this would take. Around 4, R.K text to ask if we had celebrated yet. She invited us over for a BBQ. Jen whipped up a potato salad and cole slaw. We headed over around 6:30. As we walked in R.K said "Hi possibly pregnant person". We sat around the table looking at boy baby names. Renee threw some chicken on the grill around 8pm. We went out to join her and M.T walks by. I went and caught up with her for a bit. We ate and soon S.K was home...all giddy. They both were in fact. R.K made a few comments about how excited she was for us and look at us now. I love having them in our lives and in our baby's life.
Day 19: Saturday, May 14th
It felt so good not to have to take a test today. We had a pretty low key morning. I made us breakfast, we went for haircuts then called Aunt K. She's very excited for us. We talked almost 2 hours. Jen grilled steak and corn for our lunch then we watched a movie. I went and laid on Jen for a little while and she started singing the moon song. When she got to the end she changed "see" to "meet". I started to cry because it was so sweet. When she realized I was crying she teared up!!!! I asked her why she was crying and she said because she was happy. It was a nice moment. We headed to CPG and caught up with Benny and J.R, sang a few tunes, and headed home around 11pm. My jeans felt very tight...I hope it's a good sign.
Day 20: Sunday, May 15th
Slept in this morning...felt good. Went to Hannaford for pizza stuff and to return a movie. Had another low key day with the exception of working on All State stuff. I was crampy (in a good way) all day. Jen pointed out I was peeing a lot too. Oh I hope these are all good signs...I am so excited but I am trying not to be over optimistic.
Another negative test. Spent the morning with Jen & her dad fishing, trying to keep that chin up. After returning home, I went to Walmart and got a few things for home and roses. Went to Mom's plot, placed a yellow rose for her and a pastel yellow rose in honor of her future grandchild, asking her to help us along this week. Then I went to Gram's plot. There I left a dark pink rose for her and a light pink rose in honor of her future great-grandchild. The rest of the day was spent with Jen's family. I took another test when we got home and it was still negative. Jen said to be sure to call the doctor. I will! However, I will pray for a positive test in the morning too.
Day 14: Monday, May 9th
Negative test. Kind of bummed. Jen left early for Portland so I walked to school. Went to see R.K to see if I could get a ride to the Y. She asked if I tested positive, I said no and was trying not to stress. I called Dr.B's office right at 9am. I told the nurse the sperm would be arriving today but I still hadn't surged. I wanted some words of assurance or some plan of action but all she said was "good luck". I rode with R.K to the Y, we talked about the time frame and how Jen was freaking out but I was suppose to remain calm. R.K did point out that it was only Monday, we had the whole week, something will happen. Got back from an awesome workout and took another test...negative!
Day 15: Tuesday, May 10th
Negative test to start the day. What a way to start the morning. Jen said the line was a little darker...she's totally lying. I dug the other one out of the trash...no difference! Walked into school again my mind only thinking about surging. I had a busy day with a rehearsal til 4:30 so I'd hoped to keep my mind busy too. Not so much...my few friends who knew checking in...still nothing all I have to report. Got an e-mail from D.C about what's going on...I kind of like that she doesn't know because I'm sure it's eating her up. Kept busy when I got home from school. Took another test...negative. Maybe tomorrow.
Day 16: Wednesday, May 11th
My mom died 2 months and 5 days before her 35th birthday...in 2 months and 5 days I will be 35. So instead of stressing over ANOTHER negative test. I'm going to be greatful to be alive, healthy and loved. I'm in such a better place that my mom was and living a life more fulfilled with hers with the exception of the one thing she loved the most...her own children. At school S.J and I talked a lot. They reassured me not to stress. R.K "still nothing"....I told her we were going to go anyway...might as well, we paid for the stuff. S.K questioned with a thumbs up or thumbs down...we talked for a sec...he said go anyway and hope for the best. Went through my day praying I'd surge soon. Took a test when I got home...negative...still. I kept busy, made supper for when Jen got home then went to the Y. Tomorrow's it...if the doctor will still do it.
Day 17: Thursday, May 12th
NEGATIVE!!!! All I thought about all morning was calling the doctor. I wanted to call as soon as 9am hit, my class was late, but I held off until after work. I stepped outside at 11:30 and it was so windy I couldn't make a call. So I started walking fast. I got just beyond the tax place and a car pulls up. It was M.L...I wanted to cry. A 40 minute journey home turned into 5 minutes. I got right on the phone with the Dr's office. The nurse wasn't available so I left a message and thought, what the hell, I'll go take a test. The line was significantly darker! I text a pic to Jen...she left work. The nurse called back, said I was on my way to a surge so we'd inseminate tomorrow. I asked her that since we have to do back to back why not do one today. She agreed and transfered me to the front desk to schedule a time. 2:15! I text a bunch of people...everyone was excited and questioned if I surged or just going in. I was so thrilled. I paced around the house until Jen got home then watched her eat, played on the ipod until finally we left.
There was a new receptionist at the Dr's office but she was cool. Jen & I had to sign an IUI contract. We returned to our seats and over the radio was "Calling All Angels". Mom was there with me. The nurse called us in...my heart fluttered. We went around to the back of the clinic in a large room. She talked us through the procedure real quick, had me undress and wait for the Dr. Moments later Dr. B came in "We are just surging all over the place". I assumed the position. She inserted the speculum first, said my cervix was a little high but she'd try to do it without the tenaculum because I was a little bit dialated. When that didn't work she asked for a longer, not wider, speculum and the tenaculum. On the count of 3 I had to cough and she'd grab on to my cervix. 1, 2, 3 cough...holy shit that hurt. I grabbed Jen's hand. Dr. B knew it was uncomfortable. I said it's okay, I had a good hand to hold. She said I'd feel awkward upward pressure...I guess so. I closed me eyes and squeezed Jen's hand. I felt a little pinch, that was the IUI. Done. I had to lay on the table for 20 minutes with a pillow under my hips. Jen text a bunch of people to let them know we were done. Jen should not be left alone in a room for that long. She was reading the warning label on a fetal monitor. When I told her what that was she said "I didn't know my feet had a heartbeat". Jen explained the tools Dr. B used...sounded scary, so glad I couldn't see. The nurse came back in asked if I had a pad because I'd probably have some light bleeding and cramping, that was perfectly normal. The nurse said to call again tomorrow if I surged. I asked if I could just make an appointment. She said that was a good idea and cancel if need be...I don't plan on canceling!
We checked out of there and zoomed off to my eye doctor's appointment then off to Walmart. On our way out we stopped and talked to Jenny. She hugged me so tight she wouldn't let go. We didn't get to talk long before she had to go back to work. She kissed me and hugged Jen. At Walmart we did go through the baby section. We found the travel system we like, the swing and the highchair we like, and bought a little stuffed giraffe. On the way home R.K text us about celebrating. We decided to head right to CPG. I had my last beer to celebrate. R.K joined us around 6pm. We told her all about the procedure and talked about baby names. She loves Emilyn Corinne....we do too and it's so meaningful. Emi/Emma because we like the name, Lyn for Lynda and Jen's middle name, and Corinne for Jen's mom's middle name. S.K joined us around 7:30...he gave me a big hug and was all smiles. I love that we have such great friends to celebrate with.
Day 18: Friday, May 13th:
100% POSITIVE!!! I woke at 3am, excited I guess, I couldn't sleep and badly had to pee. I thought if I got up early enough then I could still take a test before work. 7am...instant line...I was so excited, I hugged Jen, brought the test downstairs and took a picture, text it to R.K...she was so excited.
I had a smile on my face all day and couldn't wait for my morning to be over. Jen picked me up at work and we were way early for the appointment so we made a stop at Bull Moose. At the doctor's office we waited a little longer but still got in at a decent time. I was so nervous only because I knew the discomfort from the procedure so I was not looking forward to that. We headed to a room closer to the office and a little smaller too. I undressed, laid on the table and before long Dr. B came through the door "here we go again". She asked if I had spotting. I said it was more like light bleeding. She was that was normal and from the cervix, not the uterus. I told her I was bloated, she said "I didn't do that to you". She had me tilt my hips forward, inserted the speculum, asked if we had any plans for the weekend. Said she was going to try without the tenaculum first. Explained there was some brown discharge in there, a combination of old blood and cervical mucus....GROSS! I told her it was suppose to be rainy so we didn't really have any plans. She said there was always something you could find to do "hey look at that". I was looking around the room. She had inserted the IUI on the first try. I was so happy she didn't have to use the scissors of pain. I felt a little pressure and it was over. She said she hoped the next time she heard from me it will be with good news. The nurse put the pillow under my hips and the 20 minute wait began. Jen leaned up and kissed me then we proceeded to talk and be silly. The nurse came in saying she made me lay there a little longer today. I asked when to take a test. She said some people take one after 4-5 days but they like us to wait the two weeks or the first day of my missed period...blah blah blah Beta....blah blah blah Hgc. We headed out, dropped $270 at the desk and went to lunch.
We threw around the idea of a nap but decided to get our grocery shopping done and head home to get the house picked up. After that was all done, we chilled out in the living room. I put a heating pad on my tummy and prayed this would take. Around 4, R.K text to ask if we had celebrated yet. She invited us over for a BBQ. Jen whipped up a potato salad and cole slaw. We headed over around 6:30. As we walked in R.K said "Hi possibly pregnant person". We sat around the table looking at boy baby names. Renee threw some chicken on the grill around 8pm. We went out to join her and M.T walks by. I went and caught up with her for a bit. We ate and soon S.K was home...all giddy. They both were in fact. R.K made a few comments about how excited she was for us and look at us now. I love having them in our lives and in our baby's life.
Day 19: Saturday, May 14th
It felt so good not to have to take a test today. We had a pretty low key morning. I made us breakfast, we went for haircuts then called Aunt K. She's very excited for us. We talked almost 2 hours. Jen grilled steak and corn for our lunch then we watched a movie. I went and laid on Jen for a little while and she started singing the moon song. When she got to the end she changed "see" to "meet". I started to cry because it was so sweet. When she realized I was crying she teared up!!!! I asked her why she was crying and she said because she was happy. It was a nice moment. We headed to CPG and caught up with Benny and J.R, sang a few tunes, and headed home around 11pm. My jeans felt very tight...I hope it's a good sign.
Day 20: Sunday, May 15th
Slept in this morning...felt good. Went to Hannaford for pizza stuff and to return a movie. Had another low key day with the exception of working on All State stuff. I was crampy (in a good way) all day. Jen pointed out I was peeing a lot too. Oh I hope these are all good signs...I am so excited but I am trying not to be over optimistic.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Days 6 -12
Days 6-9: May 1st - May 4th: I survived the Clomid cycle. No real mood swings, a few hot flashes, some cramping...here's hoping I have multiple follicles!
Day 11: Friday, May 6th: We were up and off to the hospital for my first ever ultrasound...the internal probe! I almost cried when I saw the ultrasound machine knowing that in a few months we could be seeing our baby on there. There was lots of clicking and typing and probing but it was over quickly. She said I had one follicle on my left side and two on my right side around 10mm. I had no clue what she was talking about. I googled it on my way home...they need to be 20mm and grow at 1-2 mm at day. I love Jen's description of the ultrasound...the moon and craters. She wanted to pull a chair up next to the technician...it was very fascinating to her.
Dr. B's office called while I was in Alton and of course could not access my voice mail. I held my phone until I got into Old Town. The nurse said to call she had my test results. I pulled over in the Y parking lot and chatted. She said ultrasound looked good, call when I surge. I asked her about the timing of our shipment. She got kind of cold and said she couldn't answer that. So I got assertive and said "Can you tell from the ultrasound how soon I'm going to ovulate? Will Clomid make me ovulate sooner than Day 22?". She said I had one follicle measuring 17.5mm x 13.3 mm. Again...the numbers meant nothing. She put me on hold to talk to the doctor. Dr. B said I will probably surge over the weekend so try to have the IUI here by Monday. My heart sank into my feet...MONDAY! I played the what if game and again Nurse Crankypants said "there is no guarentee" but was a little empathetic when I said this was all out of pocket. We talked about a few other details and she said call when we surge and they will fit us in!
I pulled myself together, called home and told Jen to find my account information so I could call CCB and place our order. Jen couldn't believe we were going so soon either. I called CCB, they had us down for 2 ICI vials. Again, I was put on hold, holding my breath and praying the whole time that we would still be able to get the donor we wanted. After 5 minutes that seemed like 5 hours, she confirmed our order, said it would be shipped in the morning and arrive by noon on Monday.
I smiled the whole way to Angelos and Hannaford. Then I hand these pangs of "This could not work". Then I reset my brain...I could be pregnant before the end of the month! I text Jenny & R.K...both very excited for us.
Day 12: Saturday, May 7th: Ovulation test shows a faint line...last time I had a faint line I surged the next day! We could be doing an IUI Monday!!!!
Day 11: Friday, May 6th: We were up and off to the hospital for my first ever ultrasound...the internal probe! I almost cried when I saw the ultrasound machine knowing that in a few months we could be seeing our baby on there. There was lots of clicking and typing and probing but it was over quickly. She said I had one follicle on my left side and two on my right side around 10mm. I had no clue what she was talking about. I googled it on my way home...they need to be 20mm and grow at 1-2 mm at day. I love Jen's description of the ultrasound...the moon and craters. She wanted to pull a chair up next to the technician...it was very fascinating to her.
Dr. B's office called while I was in Alton and of course could not access my voice mail. I held my phone until I got into Old Town. The nurse said to call she had my test results. I pulled over in the Y parking lot and chatted. She said ultrasound looked good, call when I surge. I asked her about the timing of our shipment. She got kind of cold and said she couldn't answer that. So I got assertive and said "Can you tell from the ultrasound how soon I'm going to ovulate? Will Clomid make me ovulate sooner than Day 22?". She said I had one follicle measuring 17.5mm x 13.3 mm. Again...the numbers meant nothing. She put me on hold to talk to the doctor. Dr. B said I will probably surge over the weekend so try to have the IUI here by Monday. My heart sank into my feet...MONDAY! I played the what if game and again Nurse Crankypants said "there is no guarentee" but was a little empathetic when I said this was all out of pocket. We talked about a few other details and she said call when we surge and they will fit us in!
I pulled myself together, called home and told Jen to find my account information so I could call CCB and place our order. Jen couldn't believe we were going so soon either. I called CCB, they had us down for 2 ICI vials. Again, I was put on hold, holding my breath and praying the whole time that we would still be able to get the donor we wanted. After 5 minutes that seemed like 5 hours, she confirmed our order, said it would be shipped in the morning and arrive by noon on Monday.
I smiled the whole way to Angelos and Hannaford. Then I hand these pangs of "This could not work". Then I reset my brain...I could be pregnant before the end of the month! I text Jenny & R.K...both very excited for us.
Day 12: Saturday, May 7th: Ovulation test shows a faint line...last time I had a faint line I surged the next day! We could be doing an IUI Monday!!!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Days 1-5...again
Day 1-4: April 26th - 29th:
I've never been so excited, ok, maybe once, to start my cycle over again. This one was a killer...not to get graphic but I've never been more physically nauseous, more crampy, had bigger clots, flowed heavier, and just felt plain miserable. Jen told her mom it was Mother Nature's way of saying "Oh yeah, so you're going to be without me for 9 months, well take that bitch"...lol. But everything is in place, check has been sent and cleared and my ultrasound is scheduled for Friday the 6th. It's not Day 12 but of course I would have a day 12 on a Saturday. I damn well better not ovulate on a Sunday!!!
Day 5: April 30th
My first day on Clomid. I looked at Jen and said "down the hatch". Bring on the mood swings, the hot flashes, the bloating...nothing yet. Had a nice talk with Benny today about the whole process. I'm getting so excited!!!
I've never been so excited, ok, maybe once, to start my cycle over again. This one was a killer...not to get graphic but I've never been more physically nauseous, more crampy, had bigger clots, flowed heavier, and just felt plain miserable. Jen told her mom it was Mother Nature's way of saying "Oh yeah, so you're going to be without me for 9 months, well take that bitch"...lol. But everything is in place, check has been sent and cleared and my ultrasound is scheduled for Friday the 6th. It's not Day 12 but of course I would have a day 12 on a Saturday. I damn well better not ovulate on a Sunday!!!
Day 5: April 30th
My first day on Clomid. I looked at Jen and said "down the hatch". Bring on the mood swings, the hot flashes, the bloating...nothing yet. Had a nice talk with Benny today about the whole process. I'm getting so excited!!!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Days 23-30
Days 23 & 24: April 17th & 18th: I continued to have positive ovulation tests. I'm hoping that's a good sign that I'll be a "fertile mertle"
Day 23: Friday, April 17th: I got a call from Dr. B's office. The nurse's first words were "I don't know what to do with you?" After going through all the processes I've gone through she had a good idea of "what to do with me", said Dr. B was out this week and would call me back next Wednesday.
Day 28: Wednesday, April 20th: Dr. B's nurse called me back as promised. She said to start taking Clomid on Day 5-9 of my next cycle. Call her on Day 1 because they will need to schedule a Day 12 ultrasound. Then the next time I ovulate will be when Dr. B does my first IUI. I almost fell off the bed. That soon??? Holy cow! I shared the news with Jen and she said we had better get cracking on the donor. So, we invited Jenny over for pizza and to look at donor profiles. We all picked our top 2, made a pro/con list for our top picks then printed off the medical history and personal essays. It really did come down to medical history. We felt good about our choice...a perfect balence of us both...a Michael C. Hall/Tony Romo donor.
Day 30: Friday, April 22, 2011: Placed an order with California Cryobank this morning. I was so nervous but the woman made it sound real easy. Now, we just hurry up and wait. I'm sure everything else will go by as fast as the first month has. Happy Baby thoughts. Jen's mom has started a tote for us...too cute! She's so excited!
Day 23: Friday, April 17th: I got a call from Dr. B's office. The nurse's first words were "I don't know what to do with you?" After going through all the processes I've gone through she had a good idea of "what to do with me", said Dr. B was out this week and would call me back next Wednesday.
Day 28: Wednesday, April 20th: Dr. B's nurse called me back as promised. She said to start taking Clomid on Day 5-9 of my next cycle. Call her on Day 1 because they will need to schedule a Day 12 ultrasound. Then the next time I ovulate will be when Dr. B does my first IUI. I almost fell off the bed. That soon??? Holy cow! I shared the news with Jen and she said we had better get cracking on the donor. So, we invited Jenny over for pizza and to look at donor profiles. We all picked our top 2, made a pro/con list for our top picks then printed off the medical history and personal essays. It really did come down to medical history. We felt good about our choice...a perfect balence of us both...a Michael C. Hall/Tony Romo donor.
Day 30: Friday, April 22, 2011: Placed an order with California Cryobank this morning. I was so nervous but the woman made it sound real easy. Now, we just hurry up and wait. I'm sure everything else will go by as fast as the first month has. Happy Baby thoughts. Jen's mom has started a tote for us...too cute! She's so excited!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Days 3 - 22
So it's been an interesting few weeks.
Day 3: March 26th...I went and had my blood drawn at 7am. Jen went, hungover, and nearly needed the cot in the next room. By Monday afternoon my results were in and all was well with the thyroid and ovaries.
Day 14: April 6th...took my first ovulation test and managed to screw it up by peeing all over the stick, not just the text stick. I couldn't find my stream so it was literally a shot in the dark. There was no blue line, just a blue blob. When I had my appointment we shared a chuckle with Dr. B about it. She suggested the alternate...pee in a cup. My exam went well...all the lumps and bumps I worried about were nothing. It was actually the fastest exam I've ever had. I asked about the blood work. She said the numbers corresponded with my age but nothing to be concerned about. I'd get a postcard with my lab results in the next 2 weeks. I also enquired about prenatal vitamins...start them now. She wrote me a script for Clomid with 4 refills. So, we made a stop at Walmart for vitamins, cups and more ovulation tests. We tried the cup method when we got home...negative test.
Day 19: April 11th...lab results are in...all is normal! YAY!
Day 22: April 14th...I continued to pee in a cup and dip the stick every morning...negative on Day 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20...she said where I had a longer cycle, I might ovulate near the end of my cycle. I pulled S.J aside at work because I was starting to stress. She talked me down. Day 21 there was a very faint line...could it be the start of something? Sure enough, Day 22....two pink lines clear as day. I was thrilled. I called Dr. B's office to tell them...Nurse K said to call back on Day 1 of my next cycle so I could start the Clomid.
So the forms have all been faxed to California Cryobank...just need to call to talk to a rep. I have 10 donors in my favorites box so far. This is all becoming so real. I'm trying to take one step at a time because the whole process is so overwhelming. I am really hoping this takes the first time...but I'm trying not to worry about that. Happy Baby Thoughts!!!
Day 3: March 26th...I went and had my blood drawn at 7am. Jen went, hungover, and nearly needed the cot in the next room. By Monday afternoon my results were in and all was well with the thyroid and ovaries.
Day 14: April 6th...took my first ovulation test and managed to screw it up by peeing all over the stick, not just the text stick. I couldn't find my stream so it was literally a shot in the dark. There was no blue line, just a blue blob. When I had my appointment we shared a chuckle with Dr. B about it. She suggested the alternate...pee in a cup. My exam went well...all the lumps and bumps I worried about were nothing. It was actually the fastest exam I've ever had. I asked about the blood work. She said the numbers corresponded with my age but nothing to be concerned about. I'd get a postcard with my lab results in the next 2 weeks. I also enquired about prenatal vitamins...start them now. She wrote me a script for Clomid with 4 refills. So, we made a stop at Walmart for vitamins, cups and more ovulation tests. We tried the cup method when we got home...negative test.
Day 19: April 11th...lab results are in...all is normal! YAY!
Day 22: April 14th...I continued to pee in a cup and dip the stick every morning...negative on Day 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20...she said where I had a longer cycle, I might ovulate near the end of my cycle. I pulled S.J aside at work because I was starting to stress. She talked me down. Day 21 there was a very faint line...could it be the start of something? Sure enough, Day 22....two pink lines clear as day. I was thrilled. I called Dr. B's office to tell them...Nurse K said to call back on Day 1 of my next cycle so I could start the Clomid.
So the forms have all been faxed to California Cryobank...just need to call to talk to a rep. I have 10 donors in my favorites box so far. This is all becoming so real. I'm trying to take one step at a time because the whole process is so overwhelming. I am really hoping this takes the first time...but I'm trying not to worry about that. Happy Baby Thoughts!!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Day 1
I was never so happy to start a period as I was last night! You would've thought I found out right then and there that I was pregnant! I went downstairs and said to Jen "Looks like we've got one more thing to do Saturday". She looked all paniced. "Go get a blood test done." Her face lit up. Figures, we have to go to the EMMC campus for this one!
So, here begins the cycle...Day 1 (feeling like crap as most women do). Jen has sympathy pains already and decided this would be her day 1 as well. Saturday is Day 3...time to test the hormones. Day 14 falls on the day of my appointment. I'm totally taking an ovulation test that day!
So, here begins the cycle...Day 1 (feeling like crap as most women do). Jen has sympathy pains already and decided this would be her day 1 as well. Saturday is Day 3...time to test the hormones. Day 14 falls on the day of my appointment. I'm totally taking an ovulation test that day!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Our 1st appointment
I promised myself I'd journal every moment of this experience so here it is...in blog form!
We had our first appointment Friday, March 18th, with Dr. B (I will abbreviate to protect her identity). From the moment she walked in the office, we felt at ease. Her conversation began with "Hi I'm Dr. B, nice to meet you...so, we're here to make a baby!" She talked us through the whole process and in 15 minutes a plan was in place.
If any of the following is too graphic, I apologize, this is my reproductive system we're talking about!
First step will be to get a blood test done to test some weird abbreviations! I have no clue what they are, has something to do with pituitary gland and because my cycle is not regular. That will occur on Day 3 of my cycle...which should be any day now!
On Day 14 of my cycle I need to take a home ovulation test to see if I ovulate at the normal time or when exactly my ovulation time is. We went right out and bought one...it even came with a pregnancy test! :-)
Next is my annual physical...all the fun with cold instruments and strange noises and we have no clue what's going on down there. After which I will be placed on Clomid for one cycle to stimulate egg production. Dr. B will perform an ultrasound to pinpoint my ovulation. After another cycle of Clomid, we can try the first insemenation.
I could be pregnant by May!!!
Did I mention with Clomid there is a 20% chance of multiples??? As Dr. B said, "One shot, instant family". Jen almost fell off her chair. I would love twins!!!
So we started "shopping" for the seed/sperm, whatever we are going to call it. Although we had been looking at a cryo bank in Boston, Dr. B gave us a brouchure for a place in California. I just hope the goods get to us on time! What I like about the CCB (California Cryo Bank) is that they compare the donor to a celebrity. We've marked 3-4 as favorites....a Paul Walker look-alike, a Joe Montana look-alike, a Mark Wahlberg look-alike and a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike. We're still shopping but they are all in good supply and ready for shipping.
Now we just wait for all the above to fall into place. We are excited and thrilled and excited and giddy...did I mention we were excited?
We had our first appointment Friday, March 18th, with Dr. B (I will abbreviate to protect her identity). From the moment she walked in the office, we felt at ease. Her conversation began with "Hi I'm Dr. B, nice to meet you...so, we're here to make a baby!" She talked us through the whole process and in 15 minutes a plan was in place.
If any of the following is too graphic, I apologize, this is my reproductive system we're talking about!
First step will be to get a blood test done to test some weird abbreviations! I have no clue what they are, has something to do with pituitary gland and because my cycle is not regular. That will occur on Day 3 of my cycle...which should be any day now!
On Day 14 of my cycle I need to take a home ovulation test to see if I ovulate at the normal time or when exactly my ovulation time is. We went right out and bought one...it even came with a pregnancy test! :-)
Next is my annual physical...all the fun with cold instruments and strange noises and we have no clue what's going on down there. After which I will be placed on Clomid for one cycle to stimulate egg production. Dr. B will perform an ultrasound to pinpoint my ovulation. After another cycle of Clomid, we can try the first insemenation.
I could be pregnant by May!!!
Did I mention with Clomid there is a 20% chance of multiples??? As Dr. B said, "One shot, instant family". Jen almost fell off her chair. I would love twins!!!
So we started "shopping" for the seed/sperm, whatever we are going to call it. Although we had been looking at a cryo bank in Boston, Dr. B gave us a brouchure for a place in California. I just hope the goods get to us on time! What I like about the CCB (California Cryo Bank) is that they compare the donor to a celebrity. We've marked 3-4 as favorites....a Paul Walker look-alike, a Joe Montana look-alike, a Mark Wahlberg look-alike and a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike. We're still shopping but they are all in good supply and ready for shipping.
Now we just wait for all the above to fall into place. We are excited and thrilled and excited and giddy...did I mention we were excited?
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