Breakdown

So yesterday sucked! I brokedown many times. Commercials, TV shows, the new baby next door being fed by her glowing mother...grrrr.

The mother of all breakdowns was when Jen got home. She took the pork out of the fridge and juice spilled. She said "Why would you put it on a plate?" I felt like a child scorn. I went and got Mr. Clean and paper towels and cleaned it up all the while fighting off tears. Next thing I know Jen is slamming stuff around. When I called her on it she said it would've been nice if I had stuff ready. I went to the bedroom, told her I wasn't hungry. She soon follow and asked what was wrong. When I told her I didn't feel good (which she knew all day....that pissed me off) and that I was hot mess. She said I knew going into this there was no guarentee. It doesn't make it any easier. She said I can't let it get me down. Too late! Then we got into the fight about supper. She didn't see my POV that she eats at different times everyday, how am I suppose to know when to have stuff ready and when to hold off. She said I still could've had it prepped. I told her she's set off by the smallest thing...this time it was the pork...why the hell wouldn't I put it on a plate? She said I'm set off easily too. I said the difference is I don't snap at her...that shut her up!

If I'm going to get through these tough times I'm going to need a rock. I thought she was mine but she's not and it hurts to say that. She's there in the moment but allows me no time to grieve when I need to. She's not a bad person and I love her dearly but we deal with things very differently. She never opens up to how she feels and I think that bothers me too. So, I'll blog and write and cry and hide my true pain from Jen so I can get through this in my way.

Fuck you Mother Nature!

What have I done? Is it because I've waited too long to try to get pregnant? Is it because I fell in love with a woman? Is it because I'm fat? I don't pay my bills on time? What did I do to piss off Mother Nature?????

I believe and always will believe that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I can remember being 6-7 years old and my cousin and I would play house and pretend we were pregnant and having babies. It's always been a dream of mine to experience being pregnant and having a baby and, of course, being a mom. I have always been facinated with pregnant bodies and what it feels like and what childbirth will feel like. Why when I've dreamed so long about something I can't grasp it?

Then there is media. I watch Roseanne as an escape to the funny and there's Crystal giving birth! A commercial comes on and there's Tori & Dean expecting another. I go online and 39 year old Jennifer Garner is expecting #3....WTF!!!! When will it be my turn?

I'm so worried about the financial aspect of trying, I'm worried about the way we are doing this and I'm trying to stay positive but shit it's hard! It hurts! There's no use crying but all I want to do is cry! BJ said Southwest flies out of Georgia real cheap if we can go get him. I'm glad he's so willing.

I need to go do something productive, so I'm off to design bulletin boards for the new school year.

So I lied...

I can't stay away from the blog when I have stuff on my mind. So it wasn't totally a lie because I said I'd be back if I had to vent, so here I am.

Sunday sucked! Jen napped til about 1pm (I got hooked on the Glee Project) but after that she got into an LMN jag. Every movie seemed to be about mother's dead or dying, cancer and then the killer was babies. I did not want to watch it so I started puttering around and finally Jen said she'd change the channel. I was hoping this would open a conversation about how I'm feeling but I fought back the tears and thought of better things.

All day yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period. However, there I was obsessing on boards about PMS vs. early preggo symptoms. UGH! Then I had these pangs of "OMG, I could really be pregnant!" Jen commented last night that I should pick up a pregnancy test when I went out to get popcorn. I tried to be strong and say my period was due to start tomorrow or Wednesday anyway and didn't end up going. Just before bed I went to the bathroom and swore there was a bit of blood on the tissue. I was bummed and paranoid.

When I got up this morning I thought for sure I'd be flowing...nope. Thought I'd be flowing the next 2 times I went. NOPE. Jen asked before leaving for work why I was grumpy. I broke down. She said it will happen, we'll just have to save up, maybe just do one vial this time. I was hoping it would work with BJ! She didn't want to leave, I told her I'd be ok. She said keep busy.

So, here I sit, watching TV, on the computer, not being productive...not staying busy, feeling like I could bleed like a pig any minute now. I need to do something! I want to be growing and nurturing a life inside of me. UGH!

Agree to Disagree

When this process started, I wanted to wait 2 weeks to test but Jen was over excited and wanted to test early. We did, it was hard to see the negative, even harder when Mother Nature reassured us that it was negative. The second time, we had the test in the bathroom, I held on until 3 days before test time, Jen didn't want me to test and ruin the weekend. I was persistent and tested, it was negative but I handled it ok. We had a busy day, I didn't think of it until later that night when my mood was foul for other reasons. Mother Nature again said "uh-ah...flow time". Bitch! Now, here we are...I've wanted to test, BJ has wanted me to test, but Jen said she doesn't want to waste the money on a test...let just wait it out and see. So, maybe this is for the best but I'm still obsessing. Then events of the past two days (fallout with Jenny & the deck party) have kept my mind busy but the thought is always there that I want to test! However, the next few days with the impending doom of AF, I am going to not even think about it. I am going to get done what I need to for school, All State and other stuff around the house.

This will be my last blog (unless all hell breaks loose and I need to vent) until I have news one way or the other. So, let me just say, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant!

BLURG!

I have no other words to describe the way I am feeling. I'm upset and irritated because I don't think I'm pregnant...again. I'm worried because our donor is heading south, it's cheaper to fly him home than it is to store his sperm. I'm crampy, I want to eat all of the time, I need new contacts but haven't called yet, I don't want to go back to work, I have diarrea of the mouth (Jen felt she was a strong, independant woman and I called her cold), I'm gassy, constipated...wonder why with the crap I've been eating, I can't stop sweating because it's like 100% humidity. BLURG BLURG BLURG!

I Could Scream

I can't explain the feeling I have...it's like a fire...I want to get mad, but remain optimistic, but am giving up hope but can't give up because I need to hold on to the dream. I'm feeling so much love for Jen and then she drives me crazy in the next moment. I am obsessed, similar to the obsession after the May insemination. I can't seem to do anything productive, instead I lurk on the Babycenter board and blogs about babies. I want to be pregnant so bad!!!! I get pissy everytime I see a pregnant woman, a baby, and now I'm stuck planning a baby shower and having to buy baby things that are not for us! My emotions are in a whirlwind...can you tell?

I watched Back Up Plan with JLo yesterday. It only got one star...I could see why, but I was even bitter when her first insemination took. All I could think was "yeah right...you didn't think it would take and it did...whatever bitch!" I'm so bitter! Right now I'm watching GMA and there is a woman who had a backache and ended up giving birth! WHATEVER! Why can't I be pregnant? Why couldn't I get pregnant on the first try, second try, will the third time be a charm? I'm soooooooooooooooo....ugh I don't know...I can't say I'm frustrated, or even sad, I can't describe this!

There are NO symptoms....

...keep telling yourself that!

So it's a week after insemination at home. With IUI followed cramping and gassy feelings...it was not a pleasant feeling but I though "I'll take it...this could be "it"!" This time around I felt nothing. Over the weekend I seemed to be naseaous after every meal. I didn't even feel hungry but I wanted something to eat...it was so weird. But it's not a symptom! (Keep telling yourself that). Yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period...Jen thought that was weird being Day 22...could it be a sym...NO! There are no symptoms!

So I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time am ready for this to take...I want to start our family in our new home! What do I have to do? Who do I have to pray to? Things happen when they are suppose to....well, what's wrong with now? I have NO reservations! I want a baby!

Don't buy cheap OPKs!!!!

So to save a buck I decided to buy the Rite-Aid ovualtion kit. NEVER AGAIN! Although I'm hoping I never need to use one again (fingers crossed). I took them starting Monday (should've done it Sunday but I had to sneak out when my aunt was in the shower as it was). Monday, line but not as dark as the test line, Tuesday, line a little darker, still not a match, Wednesday, line like Tuesday, Thursday, line fainting, Friday, barely visable line.

So, we've "batter" up'd everynight this week. We've got it down to a science! I'm hoping this works!!!!

It's so funny how BJ has no clue about the female body. He's asked me everyday if I'd had morning sickness yet. I told him we wouldn't know anything until 2 weeks from now when I'm suppose to start then it'd be another few weeks before I start getting sick.

So, I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I really want this to work. Maybe this is the way it's suppose to be. I am still in awe over the tremendous gift that BJ has given us. My only fear is that Jen isn't going to be able to let go of the thought that this is his biological make-up. I need a support group for the other parent. I want to understand and support her all of the way. Then again, I remember how she was with Lillie. It's not hard to fall in love with and bond with a child. Had Lillie been adopted by us, there is no doubt that parenting would take over any feelings of "this child is not genetically ours". The feeling will be even stronger with our child.

New Method, 1st Try

So, we're trying the "turkey baster" method. Want to puzzle the hell out of a Walgreens cashier??? Purchase 5 medicine syringes, gladware cups and Pre-Seed lube! What a trip!

Tonight we had BJ, JP & Jenny over for dinner and came up with a game plan for our baby making evening. After an awesome dinner, Jen & I went into our room, BJ & JP went into the guest room and Jenny hung out at the computer blasting some song about bodies. Within minutes there was a knock at the door and Jen was handed a syringe full of baby batter. Well, the process wasn't as smooth as I hoped it would be. The syringe was really sharp and I kept tensing up. Jen had to remind me to relax. I wanted to cry when she pushed the plunger...cry because it was overwhelming that she was "getting me pregnant" (possibly) but also because this was a gift from BJ. We held each other tight for a few minutes, then she proped me up on pillows and sent Jenny in to chat with me while I laid there for 45 minutes. Fingers crossed this works...at least we get 5 trys!

Not losing hope

Well, my week started last Monday with my period. So, I went into packing mode in tears and asking why. When Jen got up I was quiet...do I tell her right away? She asked what was the matter...I told her I started. I snuggled on the couch with her and cried. I made a comment about this month being too crazy and we should've just waited. Jen told me not think that way. After my moment, we text the appropriate people and went about packing. Who knows when we'll be able to try again. Between moving and running out of savings money, we're back at square one...having to save up.

We love the house we found. R & S helped us paint Wednesday & Friday as we got ready for the move. They helped us again on Saturday with the move. We had an awesome team of people packing, moving and unpacking. We're so lucky to have such great friends and family. Our final move was to get the cats and the pool table. What happened after that I never expected in a million years.

BJ, JP & Jenny met us over at the apartment. When S arrived with the trailer we moved the pool table to the house. S took off but the rest of us hung out, had a soda and chatted. Out of know where, BJ said "We've been talking seriously about something...I want to be your donor". I was in shock! I cried. This is the most amazing gift we could ever receive. He said he'll sign over anything necessary and doesn't want any responsibility. He can be Uncle BJ and if someday we want to share then we can do so.

So, tonight's the first night. We're going to try to make a baby with the fresh stuff and a syringe. We'll try every night this week while I'm fertile!