Isn't it ironic...don't cha think?

My last blog from July 14th was that Jen and I would not break up over trying to conceive and here we are...broken up!

As I read back through the events of the past year, I should've re-read it a little deeper.

Let's recap the fall of Jen & Keri one last time before I close the book on "2012: The Year My World Ended"

January: Fallout over saving money. Jen wants careful planning before we pursue this further.
February/March: Too busy with drama
April: All my drama stipend goes to living room makeover
May: Jen does two new store openings and a switch is flipped in her...she becomes independent and secretive...something is up.
June: Jen pulls away a little more, has been sleeping on the couch siting "can't sleep". I approach the idea of a home donor kit with BJ or purchase a cheaper vile. She half-heartedly agrees to the kit.
July: Jen continues to sleep on the couch, huge fallout over money again leads to budget talk and separate bank accounts. There is no intimacy (except a quicky on July 4th). She has no desire to spend family time. Try the kit, without her help. No baby again!
August: Distance continues until I finally fall apart on our anniversary. "I Won't Give Up" plays one night which leads to our first conversations. She claims "We've grown apart" "It's not you it's me" and "She doesn't think she wants a baby" (8/11)
September: I am forced to give her time and space...it sucks...I fall apart
October: Things seem like they are getting better but she stops wearing her ring. We have a talk and officially break-up (10/27)
November: Jen admits (in a heated discussion) that she warned me this baby thing was consuming me over a year ago and I was the one who gave up.
December: I plead for a second chance. She said it's too late and she needs a change. She can't promise anything but will always care for me.

So, 2012 can kiss my ass. Here I sit alone, in a house I may have to give up, the love of my life gone (well, converted to roommate status) and no baby.

I am Callie Torres....

...well, not really. A. She's a fictional character, B. She's Hispanic...the only thing Hispanic about me is that I can roll my Rs, C. She's fucking smoking hot with a killer smile and sexy as all get out and well...I've seen me. However, after falling in love with the season 7 storyline thanks to Lifetime running Grey's Anatomy in syndication, I have been obsessed in knowing all I can about the Callie/Arizona storyline. I'm jumping all around, watching youtube clips and not really watching full episode but I will, someday. For right now, I'm in love with "Calzona". HOWEVER, it was last night that I had an epiphany! Season 6 is when Callie throws out the mention of wanting a baby and Arizona is kind of "yuck" about the whole thing. So, when they decide to end their relationship over the fact that Callie really wants a baby, I breakdown. The writing in that show was so perfectly done and an exact replica of my feelings. It's like they took the sexy from someone else, the body of a goddess but my obsession with being a mom and stuck it into Callie Torres.

 No worries though...Jen & I will not break-up over this (because she likes kids even though I think her wanting to start a family is down more than the president's approval rating), I won't run to the arms of my best-male friend, have a one-nighter and get knocked up because, well, he's gay too and that just wouldn't be pretty, and well, I'm not sure there is a final comment.

Here we go again

Every few months we seem to go down the same path and have the same "discussion" about having a baby. This one stems from money. Jen (Ms. Independent) had set out on a shopping trip to get black for this weekend's art show in NH. Although there is black clothing in our closet, heaven forbid it should be the right kind, fit, shape, size, etc. I was left at home so she could embark on mission find black with her boss who was taking her daughter shopping for camp. I was slightly bummed that I was not welcome to go shopping but got over it with a dip in the pool and a shady tree. For whatever reason, it's been 90+ every Saturday for about 3 weeks now. Oops, tangent. Anywho, I jumped on the UCU app on my phone for whatever reason to see a $60 charge at TJMaxx. WTF? I angry text Jen and she said she found pants and a pair of shorts. I left it at that only to boil on the inside and burst into tears on the outside. Here we were with a near empty oil tank, a car that who knows what is wrong with it, 3 birthdays, an aunt visit, a deck party and my trip to Boston on the horizon and she's dropping $60 on clothes. I scarfed half of a sandwich and took off to typing up our monthly budget. When Jen got home, there is was on the table. I tried being cold and bitchy but I burst into tears. I hate talking money with her. After I calmed down a little, she wanted to go over said budget. Then came the line I'm so sick of hearing "I know you want to save for a baby, but..." NO BUTS...I'm sick of buts. There is never going to be a right time, enough money, etc....NEVER! Not to mention I'm not getting any younger, yet it's thrown in my face a conversation I had about a student whose mom was 40 when she had her! Make that a healthy, athletic and probably very fertile 40! My soon-to-be 36 year old eggs are sitting in little lazyboy recliners with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other saying "Oh, now you want to play, yeah, we don't want to". By the time we have a good cushion of money or I'm skinny or the time is just right or whatever....my lazyboys are going to have bedsore the size of dinner plates and wouldn't be able to make the journey down a FT if I tempted them with donuts. So, lesson money will once again be saved and I will teach Saturdays if I have to cause damnit I'm having a kid!

Up, Down, Up, Down...

So the last 4 weeks have been an absolute rollercoaster! I started weaning myself off fertilitea because we saved enough money to do one vial insemination, I just had to call the doctor. I was all prepared with my little notes on what to ask, I rejoined babycenter and after a BIG blowout not once, but twice, with Jen, it was time to put on a positive attitude and move forward.

Well, someone's post on Babycenter was basically bitching about how much the TTC process sucks for us lesbians. I chimed in and added fuel to the fire...or my fire to her inferno. Anyway, the next morning, someone had private messaged me information on a donor shipping kit. I looked into it, ran it by BJ and he was on board. Last stop...Dr. B.

The next morning I called the Dr. office, talked to the nurse and in turn she had to talk to the Dr. because she's never heard of such a thing. The return call was not what I hoped for. She said there was lots of red tape and the only way they could legally to an known donor insemination was if he walked into the office with us. She did say it was made for home insemination so go for it, they'll even supply me with vials...what we do at home is our business, not theirs. Okay....so, I asked her about ART vials. The return call was much more positive...she said although the sperm count was lower, there was no reason why we couldn't use those. Cool...now time to bring it back to Jen.

We talked over drinks on the deck and opted for the donor kit. I ordered it right away, brewed up some tea and ordered 50pk of ovulation strips. We were back on the S.S. TTC. Needless to say, I confused S.J....she was like no tea/yes tea...WTF! Over the course of 2 days I filled her in on the new prospect and she was very happy we were going to find a way to do this.

My new cycle started, I was drinking tea, ovulation strips were here, the donor kit arrived at BJ's house...next step, ovulation!

According to Fertility Friend we were looking at June 11-15, Period Tracker said June 20-23. I started testing June 9th...day 14...nothing....15...nothing....16....nothing....17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22...nothing. Day 23 I saw a line that was not as dark as the test line but a line. Then I started to stress, we had arranged our schedules around a meeting I had in Augusta Wednesday and if the line went dark Tuesday that would make Wednesday insemination day. And I though June would be stress free! Tuesday the line went away...I thought "Oh good...it can be positive any day but today".  However, the line never got dark, it went away altogether!

Today is CD 29....I have a feeling this month is an epic fail. All my ducks in a row, taking my fertility into my own hands and doing what I need to do and my body fails me.

I'm still trying to hold onto that bit of hope that I could still ovulate this cycle, but the way my body feels, we're done for this one. Tune in next month!

Wait....let me guess....

This has been my life over the past week....

"I have to tell you something....I'm pregnant!", "And baby makes 3", "It's been 13 weeks so it's time to announce we are expecting #3!"

I dislike the phrase FML, but seriously....FML!!!!!!! Why is it when you want something sooooo bad, everyone around you seems to be getting it! I am so upset but there is nothing I can do to speed up our process. We have enough for one vial but the shipping cost still needs to be saved up. Then there is the timing. We're out for this month and I think trying in June will be too soon. Not to mention Jen is on the road....there is just no time. This is so frustrating and I just don't know how much more my emotions can take. I know, I know....everything happens for a reason, things will happen when they're suppose to....blah, blah, blah!

Well, when the fuck is it going to be my turn!?!?!?!

Fertili-tea

So, I've been looking for natural ways to increase my fertility and get my cycle on track. I found this tea on amazon that has all natural ingredients to do everything from regulate cycles to increase cervical mucous to increase libido. I was overwhelmed when it said to drink 2-3 cups a day but when I realized I could make it into iced tea I had no problem.

I started drinking the tea on day 1 of my March cycle. It was okay, not the best tasting stuff but whatever works. By the 2nd week I was loving it and Jen even noticed a difference. Not to get too graphic but the first thing I noticed was the increase in mucous. Next was my libido...oh yeah! The final test would be my cycle. I was up to 45 days last cycle so I thought even if we cut it by 5 days I'd be happy. Well, it was reduced by 10 days. I was thrilled.

So, I'm on month 2 and I've been doing a lot of reading. The disappointment was to find you can't take clomid and drink the tea. Seeing that the clomid only good thing was that I had follicals develop, I think I'm sticking with the tea. The percentage of reviews I've read are women who had irregular cycles, were over 30 and got pregnant after 1 month drinking it!!! I even recommended it to a few friends.

So, we are going to try again in June. I'm hoping by then to have enough money saved for at least one vial. I love our newly remodeled living room but I see a vial of sperm everytime I look at it. Oh well...it needed to be done. And now that Mason has been here, I can totally picture a baby in this living room compared to our old one. AND we have an extra can of blue Behr paint perfect for a nursery.

Oh, I can't get my hopes up too high...I know what happened last year! Wait, gotta think positive! Let this be our time...please!

Finally we talk...well, sort of....

All it took was one move and I'm a gonner...

After a tense drive down the interstate, I suggested swinging into Walmart for new wipers (and because I really had to use the bathroom). We stopped in Newport. I bolted to my destination and said I'd meet Jen in the wipers. After walking to both ends of the store twice, I finally found Jen. She had Apples-to-Apples in the cart. I asked her how much, she said $24, I asked her why we needed it. She threw it on the shelf and walked away. By the time we got to the other end of the store, I was tearing up. A fight was brewing. By the time we got in the car, it was full blown. I finally got some things off my chest including that I no longer think she cares. To my surprise, she said we need to better plan this so I will be out of work for the least amount of time. I told her I needed a plan. Soon it went silent. I cried silent tears until Skowhegan. I had to be strong all weekend because we were spending it with the family...a family that included a 2 month old. Having to watch Jen hold Mason was so hard, seeing the bond between Mom & Baby was even more difficult. I tried living in the moment with Mason but ached on the inside.

Other than now knowing how she feels, I'm even more frustrated now than I was before. I'm so scared this is never going to happen. Jen said we still need to live, I can't let it consume my even moment. I told her the truth...I bottle it all up!

Snow Day...New Day...Cycle Day 1

So, I promised myself many times now that when it was day 1 of my cycle of the new year, I would start charting, weighing, measuring, etc. So, being a snow day today (first one....yipee) and having to get out of Jen's work area so she can get reviews done, I jumped on fertility friend this morning to begin my first chart.
We'll see how this works. I want to be as proactive as possible. I also got the app for my phone and ipod so it'll be easy to update my chart. 

Fingers crossed!

Now what...

At what point in the overall plan does one need to take a step back and say, "Well, that didn't work, now what?"

I think I'm at that point. I need to let go of the dream that BJ is going to be our donor. As flattered and moved as I was that he offered, he is selfishly staying put in the South and in his fucked up situation and I just don't think I can handle waiting to see if he's coming back.

So, it's time to take control of things. What needs to be done? I know, but I need to plan it out. Do we try the NECC or stick with CCB? Should I get a part-time job...I've thought about Lane Bryant...if they're hiring. There is so much going through my brain and I want to be so pro-active so I can't sit back and make excuses.

Monday, 1/23/12...time to take control!!!

Quick Mood Change

It amazes me how one phrase can change my mood. We were at the K's last night, having dinner, drinks and playing Apples-to-Apples. I cherish our time with them...they've been there for us many times and we've shared a lot of laughs. They take my mind off all the "gunk" in life. So, Jen plays the card "soothing"...I played "fly fishing" and some else played "having a baby". Like the flip of a switch I wanted to run from the room screaming. Why can't I do anything in life, even have fun, without that being thrown in my face. Jen assumed it was my card. I made the comment "If it was my card, it would've been put back in the bottom of the pile." I got no response. After that, I was quiet for a while.

YO-YO

I always hated yo-yos as a kid, yet I continued to play with them. I'd get the string all wound up around the spool, put the little loop on my finger and whip it down toward the ground. Rarely did it come back up again. Each time it was like taking a chance. I didn't know what I was doing wrong! All I knew was that the only way my Yo-Yo was going to come up was if I worked for it...reaching down, picking up the spool and winding it back up again.

This whole process has been like playing with a yo-yo...we get all wound up, take the chance and there we are, standing with our heads hanging down, disappointed we didn't succeed.

So our wonderful friend BJ, who offered to be our donor last summer, moved away weeks after offering. We knew he was moving months earlier, but it hurt knowing he made this offer and off he went anyway. His stay in the South has not been positive. He loves where he is physcially, but financially & emotionally he's unstable. I would never wish anyone that feeling of loneliness, so far away from home. When he came home at Christmas, my heart sank when I heard of the relationship problems, difficulty finding a job and the feeling of failure. I tried to reassure him that it was not failure if he came home. He asked if I was ovulating but I told him he was about a week late. He asked if we could do it anyway...I laugh at his lack-of-knowledge when it comes to the female reproductive system.

Almost a month has gone by since BJ & I chatted about his situation and every day I selfishly hope he'll return. Jen came home from work the other night to say that BJ was coming home. I was sooooo excited. This was what he needed and this was so good for us. I KNEW 2012 was going to be a great year!!!! I text and facebooked a few people with the news...they were equally as excited! BJ text me, said he was really depressed and needed a friend. I told him we were here for him. He said "You just want my sperm". The deperate-to-be-a-mom in me said "Well duh!", the friend in me said "of course not". He asked when I was ovulating....told him in a few weeks. He said he'd be home by then. I started to get that warm, tingling feeling again, like I did last April when it was all coming together so fast for us and we were planning our first insemination. That night, I even had a dream I gave birth to a cute little baby boy that looked like Jen with blonde hair.

Tuesday was a wonderful day. There was an extra skip in my step as if someone hit the big red button to get the machine running again. Off I went about my day, got so much done, taught some great lessons and was preparing to go home when I got a text. It was BJ...he decided he'd file his taxes and try to stay in the South and look for a job. Without thinking I said "You just ruined my day." I cried, threw down the phone, packed my shit and waited for Jen to pick me up. I returned to my phone feeling guilty for being so selfish and apologized. I heard nothing. I facebooked "Life is like a dream, just as things get good, you wake up."

I should have written "WTF does it take to get this yo-yo to come back up to me?" I figured that was too confusing.

Did I mention I hate yo-yos?

2012

2011 sucked....kind of reminds me of 2008...that was the year we lost Lillie and my job was cut back...double whammy. 2011...we were 3 times unsuccessful at making a baby but gained an adorable nephew (even if I did bawl the night he was born because I thought that should have been us that night) and we lost our apartment but found a great house even though we have had bad luck with the heat/hot water in the past few weeks.

2012 HAS to be our year....by this time next year, I will be sitting here with a baby in my arms or still in my belly, preparing to marry my wonderful partner of 7 years, and making an offer on this house. (It's good to have goals).

Every day, I will do something to make my dreams come true. I am going to be good to myself, my wife and remember that everything happens when it's suppose to.