Breakdown

So yesterday sucked! I brokedown many times. Commercials, TV shows, the new baby next door being fed by her glowing mother...grrrr.

The mother of all breakdowns was when Jen got home. She took the pork out of the fridge and juice spilled. She said "Why would you put it on a plate?" I felt like a child scorn. I went and got Mr. Clean and paper towels and cleaned it up all the while fighting off tears. Next thing I know Jen is slamming stuff around. When I called her on it she said it would've been nice if I had stuff ready. I went to the bedroom, told her I wasn't hungry. She soon follow and asked what was wrong. When I told her I didn't feel good (which she knew all day....that pissed me off) and that I was hot mess. She said I knew going into this there was no guarentee. It doesn't make it any easier. She said I can't let it get me down. Too late! Then we got into the fight about supper. She didn't see my POV that she eats at different times everyday, how am I suppose to know when to have stuff ready and when to hold off. She said I still could've had it prepped. I told her she's set off by the smallest thing...this time it was the pork...why the hell wouldn't I put it on a plate? She said I'm set off easily too. I said the difference is I don't snap at her...that shut her up!

If I'm going to get through these tough times I'm going to need a rock. I thought she was mine but she's not and it hurts to say that. She's there in the moment but allows me no time to grieve when I need to. She's not a bad person and I love her dearly but we deal with things very differently. She never opens up to how she feels and I think that bothers me too. So, I'll blog and write and cry and hide my true pain from Jen so I can get through this in my way.