All it took was one move and I'm a gonner...
After a tense drive down the interstate, I suggested swinging into Walmart for new wipers (and because I really had to use the bathroom). We stopped in Newport. I bolted to my destination and said I'd meet Jen in the wipers. After walking to both ends of the store twice, I finally found Jen. She had Apples-to-Apples in the cart. I asked her how much, she said $24, I asked her why we needed it. She threw it on the shelf and walked away. By the time we got to the other end of the store, I was tearing up. A fight was brewing. By the time we got in the car, it was full blown. I finally got some things off my chest including that I no longer think she cares. To my surprise, she said we need to better plan this so I will be out of work for the least amount of time. I told her I needed a plan. Soon it went silent. I cried silent tears until Skowhegan. I had to be strong all weekend because we were spending it with the family...a family that included a 2 month old. Having to watch Jen hold Mason was so hard, seeing the bond between Mom & Baby was even more difficult. I tried living in the moment with Mason but ached on the inside.
Other than now knowing how she feels, I'm even more frustrated now than I was before. I'm so scared this is never going to happen. Jen said we still need to live, I can't let it consume my even moment. I told her the truth...I bottle it all up!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Snow Day...New Day...Cycle Day 1
So, I promised myself many times now that when it was day 1 of my cycle of the new year, I would start charting, weighing, measuring, etc. So, being a snow day today (first one....yipee) and having to get out of Jen's work area so she can get reviews done, I jumped on fertility friend this morning to begin my first chart.
We'll see how this works. I want to be as proactive as possible. I also got the app for my phone and ipod so it'll be easy to update my chart.
Fingers crossed!
We'll see how this works. I want to be as proactive as possible. I also got the app for my phone and ipod so it'll be easy to update my chart.
Fingers crossed!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Now what...
At what point in the overall plan does one need to take a step back and say, "Well, that didn't work, now what?"
I think I'm at that point. I need to let go of the dream that BJ is going to be our donor. As flattered and moved as I was that he offered, he is selfishly staying put in the South and in his fucked up situation and I just don't think I can handle waiting to see if he's coming back.
So, it's time to take control of things. What needs to be done? I know, but I need to plan it out. Do we try the NECC or stick with CCB? Should I get a part-time job...I've thought about Lane Bryant...if they're hiring. There is so much going through my brain and I want to be so pro-active so I can't sit back and make excuses.
Monday, 1/23/12...time to take control!!!
I think I'm at that point. I need to let go of the dream that BJ is going to be our donor. As flattered and moved as I was that he offered, he is selfishly staying put in the South and in his fucked up situation and I just don't think I can handle waiting to see if he's coming back.
So, it's time to take control of things. What needs to be done? I know, but I need to plan it out. Do we try the NECC or stick with CCB? Should I get a part-time job...I've thought about Lane Bryant...if they're hiring. There is so much going through my brain and I want to be so pro-active so I can't sit back and make excuses.
Monday, 1/23/12...time to take control!!!
Quick Mood Change
It amazes me how one phrase can change my mood. We were at the K's last night, having dinner, drinks and playing Apples-to-Apples. I cherish our time with them...they've been there for us many times and we've shared a lot of laughs. They take my mind off all the "gunk" in life. So, Jen plays the card "soothing"...I played "fly fishing" and some else played "having a baby". Like the flip of a switch I wanted to run from the room screaming. Why can't I do anything in life, even have fun, without that being thrown in my face. Jen assumed it was my card. I made the comment "If it was my card, it would've been put back in the bottom of the pile." I got no response. After that, I was quiet for a while.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
YO-YO
I always hated yo-yos as a kid, yet I continued to play with them. I'd get the string all wound up around the spool, put the little loop on my finger and whip it down toward the ground. Rarely did it come back up again. Each time it was like taking a chance. I didn't know what I was doing wrong! All I knew was that the only way my Yo-Yo was going to come up was if I worked for it...reaching down, picking up the spool and winding it back up again.
This whole process has been like playing with a yo-yo...we get all wound up, take the chance and there we are, standing with our heads hanging down, disappointed we didn't succeed.
So our wonderful friend BJ, who offered to be our donor last summer, moved away weeks after offering. We knew he was moving months earlier, but it hurt knowing he made this offer and off he went anyway. His stay in the South has not been positive. He loves where he is physcially, but financially & emotionally he's unstable. I would never wish anyone that feeling of loneliness, so far away from home. When he came home at Christmas, my heart sank when I heard of the relationship problems, difficulty finding a job and the feeling of failure. I tried to reassure him that it was not failure if he came home. He asked if I was ovulating but I told him he was about a week late. He asked if we could do it anyway...I laugh at his lack-of-knowledge when it comes to the female reproductive system.
Almost a month has gone by since BJ & I chatted about his situation and every day I selfishly hope he'll return. Jen came home from work the other night to say that BJ was coming home. I was sooooo excited. This was what he needed and this was so good for us. I KNEW 2012 was going to be a great year!!!! I text and facebooked a few people with the news...they were equally as excited! BJ text me, said he was really depressed and needed a friend. I told him we were here for him. He said "You just want my sperm". The deperate-to-be-a-mom in me said "Well duh!", the friend in me said "of course not". He asked when I was ovulating....told him in a few weeks. He said he'd be home by then. I started to get that warm, tingling feeling again, like I did last April when it was all coming together so fast for us and we were planning our first insemination. That night, I even had a dream I gave birth to a cute little baby boy that looked like Jen with blonde hair.
Tuesday was a wonderful day. There was an extra skip in my step as if someone hit the big red button to get the machine running again. Off I went about my day, got so much done, taught some great lessons and was preparing to go home when I got a text. It was BJ...he decided he'd file his taxes and try to stay in the South and look for a job. Without thinking I said "You just ruined my day." I cried, threw down the phone, packed my shit and waited for Jen to pick me up. I returned to my phone feeling guilty for being so selfish and apologized. I heard nothing. I facebooked "Life is like a dream, just as things get good, you wake up."
I should have written "WTF does it take to get this yo-yo to come back up to me?" I figured that was too confusing.
Did I mention I hate yo-yos?
This whole process has been like playing with a yo-yo...we get all wound up, take the chance and there we are, standing with our heads hanging down, disappointed we didn't succeed.
So our wonderful friend BJ, who offered to be our donor last summer, moved away weeks after offering. We knew he was moving months earlier, but it hurt knowing he made this offer and off he went anyway. His stay in the South has not been positive. He loves where he is physcially, but financially & emotionally he's unstable. I would never wish anyone that feeling of loneliness, so far away from home. When he came home at Christmas, my heart sank when I heard of the relationship problems, difficulty finding a job and the feeling of failure. I tried to reassure him that it was not failure if he came home. He asked if I was ovulating but I told him he was about a week late. He asked if we could do it anyway...I laugh at his lack-of-knowledge when it comes to the female reproductive system.
Almost a month has gone by since BJ & I chatted about his situation and every day I selfishly hope he'll return. Jen came home from work the other night to say that BJ was coming home. I was sooooo excited. This was what he needed and this was so good for us. I KNEW 2012 was going to be a great year!!!! I text and facebooked a few people with the news...they were equally as excited! BJ text me, said he was really depressed and needed a friend. I told him we were here for him. He said "You just want my sperm". The deperate-to-be-a-mom in me said "Well duh!", the friend in me said "of course not". He asked when I was ovulating....told him in a few weeks. He said he'd be home by then. I started to get that warm, tingling feeling again, like I did last April when it was all coming together so fast for us and we were planning our first insemination. That night, I even had a dream I gave birth to a cute little baby boy that looked like Jen with blonde hair.
Tuesday was a wonderful day. There was an extra skip in my step as if someone hit the big red button to get the machine running again. Off I went about my day, got so much done, taught some great lessons and was preparing to go home when I got a text. It was BJ...he decided he'd file his taxes and try to stay in the South and look for a job. Without thinking I said "You just ruined my day." I cried, threw down the phone, packed my shit and waited for Jen to pick me up. I returned to my phone feeling guilty for being so selfish and apologized. I heard nothing. I facebooked "Life is like a dream, just as things get good, you wake up."
I should have written "WTF does it take to get this yo-yo to come back up to me?" I figured that was too confusing.
Did I mention I hate yo-yos?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012
2011 sucked....kind of reminds me of 2008...that was the year we lost Lillie and my job was cut back...double whammy. 2011...we were 3 times unsuccessful at making a baby but gained an adorable nephew (even if I did bawl the night he was born because I thought that should have been us that night) and we lost our apartment but found a great house even though we have had bad luck with the heat/hot water in the past few weeks.
2012 HAS to be our year....by this time next year, I will be sitting here with a baby in my arms or still in my belly, preparing to marry my wonderful partner of 7 years, and making an offer on this house. (It's good to have goals).
Every day, I will do something to make my dreams come true. I am going to be good to myself, my wife and remember that everything happens when it's suppose to.
2012 HAS to be our year....by this time next year, I will be sitting here with a baby in my arms or still in my belly, preparing to marry my wonderful partner of 7 years, and making an offer on this house. (It's good to have goals).
Every day, I will do something to make my dreams come true. I am going to be good to myself, my wife and remember that everything happens when it's suppose to.
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