YO-YO

I always hated yo-yos as a kid, yet I continued to play with them. I'd get the string all wound up around the spool, put the little loop on my finger and whip it down toward the ground. Rarely did it come back up again. Each time it was like taking a chance. I didn't know what I was doing wrong! All I knew was that the only way my Yo-Yo was going to come up was if I worked for it...reaching down, picking up the spool and winding it back up again.

This whole process has been like playing with a yo-yo...we get all wound up, take the chance and there we are, standing with our heads hanging down, disappointed we didn't succeed.

So our wonderful friend BJ, who offered to be our donor last summer, moved away weeks after offering. We knew he was moving months earlier, but it hurt knowing he made this offer and off he went anyway. His stay in the South has not been positive. He loves where he is physcially, but financially & emotionally he's unstable. I would never wish anyone that feeling of loneliness, so far away from home. When he came home at Christmas, my heart sank when I heard of the relationship problems, difficulty finding a job and the feeling of failure. I tried to reassure him that it was not failure if he came home. He asked if I was ovulating but I told him he was about a week late. He asked if we could do it anyway...I laugh at his lack-of-knowledge when it comes to the female reproductive system.

Almost a month has gone by since BJ & I chatted about his situation and every day I selfishly hope he'll return. Jen came home from work the other night to say that BJ was coming home. I was sooooo excited. This was what he needed and this was so good for us. I KNEW 2012 was going to be a great year!!!! I text and facebooked a few people with the news...they were equally as excited! BJ text me, said he was really depressed and needed a friend. I told him we were here for him. He said "You just want my sperm". The deperate-to-be-a-mom in me said "Well duh!", the friend in me said "of course not". He asked when I was ovulating....told him in a few weeks. He said he'd be home by then. I started to get that warm, tingling feeling again, like I did last April when it was all coming together so fast for us and we were planning our first insemination. That night, I even had a dream I gave birth to a cute little baby boy that looked like Jen with blonde hair.

Tuesday was a wonderful day. There was an extra skip in my step as if someone hit the big red button to get the machine running again. Off I went about my day, got so much done, taught some great lessons and was preparing to go home when I got a text. It was BJ...he decided he'd file his taxes and try to stay in the South and look for a job. Without thinking I said "You just ruined my day." I cried, threw down the phone, packed my shit and waited for Jen to pick me up. I returned to my phone feeling guilty for being so selfish and apologized. I heard nothing. I facebooked "Life is like a dream, just as things get good, you wake up."

I should have written "WTF does it take to get this yo-yo to come back up to me?" I figured that was too confusing.

Did I mention I hate yo-yos?