Isn't it ironic...don't cha think?

My last blog from July 14th was that Jen and I would not break up over trying to conceive and here we are...broken up!

As I read back through the events of the past year, I should've re-read it a little deeper.

Let's recap the fall of Jen & Keri one last time before I close the book on "2012: The Year My World Ended"

January: Fallout over saving money. Jen wants careful planning before we pursue this further.
February/March: Too busy with drama
April: All my drama stipend goes to living room makeover
May: Jen does two new store openings and a switch is flipped in her...she becomes independent and secretive...something is up.
June: Jen pulls away a little more, has been sleeping on the couch siting "can't sleep". I approach the idea of a home donor kit with BJ or purchase a cheaper vile. She half-heartedly agrees to the kit.
July: Jen continues to sleep on the couch, huge fallout over money again leads to budget talk and separate bank accounts. There is no intimacy (except a quicky on July 4th). She has no desire to spend family time. Try the kit, without her help. No baby again!
August: Distance continues until I finally fall apart on our anniversary. "I Won't Give Up" plays one night which leads to our first conversations. She claims "We've grown apart" "It's not you it's me" and "She doesn't think she wants a baby" (8/11)
September: I am forced to give her time and space...it sucks...I fall apart
October: Things seem like they are getting better but she stops wearing her ring. We have a talk and officially break-up (10/27)
November: Jen admits (in a heated discussion) that she warned me this baby thing was consuming me over a year ago and I was the one who gave up.
December: I plead for a second chance. She said it's too late and she needs a change. She can't promise anything but will always care for me.

So, 2012 can kiss my ass. Here I sit alone, in a house I may have to give up, the love of my life gone (well, converted to roommate status) and no baby.

I am Callie Torres....

...well, not really. A. She's a fictional character, B. She's Hispanic...the only thing Hispanic about me is that I can roll my Rs, C. She's fucking smoking hot with a killer smile and sexy as all get out and well...I've seen me. However, after falling in love with the season 7 storyline thanks to Lifetime running Grey's Anatomy in syndication, I have been obsessed in knowing all I can about the Callie/Arizona storyline. I'm jumping all around, watching youtube clips and not really watching full episode but I will, someday. For right now, I'm in love with "Calzona". HOWEVER, it was last night that I had an epiphany! Season 6 is when Callie throws out the mention of wanting a baby and Arizona is kind of "yuck" about the whole thing. So, when they decide to end their relationship over the fact that Callie really wants a baby, I breakdown. The writing in that show was so perfectly done and an exact replica of my feelings. It's like they took the sexy from someone else, the body of a goddess but my obsession with being a mom and stuck it into Callie Torres.

 No worries though...Jen & I will not break-up over this (because she likes kids even though I think her wanting to start a family is down more than the president's approval rating), I won't run to the arms of my best-male friend, have a one-nighter and get knocked up because, well, he's gay too and that just wouldn't be pretty, and well, I'm not sure there is a final comment.

Here we go again

Every few months we seem to go down the same path and have the same "discussion" about having a baby. This one stems from money. Jen (Ms. Independent) had set out on a shopping trip to get black for this weekend's art show in NH. Although there is black clothing in our closet, heaven forbid it should be the right kind, fit, shape, size, etc. I was left at home so she could embark on mission find black with her boss who was taking her daughter shopping for camp. I was slightly bummed that I was not welcome to go shopping but got over it with a dip in the pool and a shady tree. For whatever reason, it's been 90+ every Saturday for about 3 weeks now. Oops, tangent. Anywho, I jumped on the UCU app on my phone for whatever reason to see a $60 charge at TJMaxx. WTF? I angry text Jen and she said she found pants and a pair of shorts. I left it at that only to boil on the inside and burst into tears on the outside. Here we were with a near empty oil tank, a car that who knows what is wrong with it, 3 birthdays, an aunt visit, a deck party and my trip to Boston on the horizon and she's dropping $60 on clothes. I scarfed half of a sandwich and took off to typing up our monthly budget. When Jen got home, there is was on the table. I tried being cold and bitchy but I burst into tears. I hate talking money with her. After I calmed down a little, she wanted to go over said budget. Then came the line I'm so sick of hearing "I know you want to save for a baby, but..." NO BUTS...I'm sick of buts. There is never going to be a right time, enough money, etc....NEVER! Not to mention I'm not getting any younger, yet it's thrown in my face a conversation I had about a student whose mom was 40 when she had her! Make that a healthy, athletic and probably very fertile 40! My soon-to-be 36 year old eggs are sitting in little lazyboy recliners with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other saying "Oh, now you want to play, yeah, we don't want to". By the time we have a good cushion of money or I'm skinny or the time is just right or whatever....my lazyboys are going to have bedsore the size of dinner plates and wouldn't be able to make the journey down a FT if I tempted them with donuts. So, lesson money will once again be saved and I will teach Saturdays if I have to cause damnit I'm having a kid!

Up, Down, Up, Down...

So the last 4 weeks have been an absolute rollercoaster! I started weaning myself off fertilitea because we saved enough money to do one vial insemination, I just had to call the doctor. I was all prepared with my little notes on what to ask, I rejoined babycenter and after a BIG blowout not once, but twice, with Jen, it was time to put on a positive attitude and move forward.

Well, someone's post on Babycenter was basically bitching about how much the TTC process sucks for us lesbians. I chimed in and added fuel to the fire...or my fire to her inferno. Anyway, the next morning, someone had private messaged me information on a donor shipping kit. I looked into it, ran it by BJ and he was on board. Last stop...Dr. B.

The next morning I called the Dr. office, talked to the nurse and in turn she had to talk to the Dr. because she's never heard of such a thing. The return call was not what I hoped for. She said there was lots of red tape and the only way they could legally to an known donor insemination was if he walked into the office with us. She did say it was made for home insemination so go for it, they'll even supply me with vials...what we do at home is our business, not theirs. Okay....so, I asked her about ART vials. The return call was much more positive...she said although the sperm count was lower, there was no reason why we couldn't use those. Cool...now time to bring it back to Jen.

We talked over drinks on the deck and opted for the donor kit. I ordered it right away, brewed up some tea and ordered 50pk of ovulation strips. We were back on the S.S. TTC. Needless to say, I confused S.J....she was like no tea/yes tea...WTF! Over the course of 2 days I filled her in on the new prospect and she was very happy we were going to find a way to do this.

My new cycle started, I was drinking tea, ovulation strips were here, the donor kit arrived at BJ's house...next step, ovulation!

According to Fertility Friend we were looking at June 11-15, Period Tracker said June 20-23. I started testing June 9th...day 14...nothing....15...nothing....16....nothing....17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22...nothing. Day 23 I saw a line that was not as dark as the test line but a line. Then I started to stress, we had arranged our schedules around a meeting I had in Augusta Wednesday and if the line went dark Tuesday that would make Wednesday insemination day. And I though June would be stress free! Tuesday the line went away...I thought "Oh good...it can be positive any day but today".  However, the line never got dark, it went away altogether!

Today is CD 29....I have a feeling this month is an epic fail. All my ducks in a row, taking my fertility into my own hands and doing what I need to do and my body fails me.

I'm still trying to hold onto that bit of hope that I could still ovulate this cycle, but the way my body feels, we're done for this one. Tune in next month!

Wait....let me guess....

This has been my life over the past week....

"I have to tell you something....I'm pregnant!", "And baby makes 3", "It's been 13 weeks so it's time to announce we are expecting #3!"

I dislike the phrase FML, but seriously....FML!!!!!!! Why is it when you want something sooooo bad, everyone around you seems to be getting it! I am so upset but there is nothing I can do to speed up our process. We have enough for one vial but the shipping cost still needs to be saved up. Then there is the timing. We're out for this month and I think trying in June will be too soon. Not to mention Jen is on the road....there is just no time. This is so frustrating and I just don't know how much more my emotions can take. I know, I know....everything happens for a reason, things will happen when they're suppose to....blah, blah, blah!

Well, when the fuck is it going to be my turn!?!?!?!

Fertili-tea

So, I've been looking for natural ways to increase my fertility and get my cycle on track. I found this tea on amazon that has all natural ingredients to do everything from regulate cycles to increase cervical mucous to increase libido. I was overwhelmed when it said to drink 2-3 cups a day but when I realized I could make it into iced tea I had no problem.

I started drinking the tea on day 1 of my March cycle. It was okay, not the best tasting stuff but whatever works. By the 2nd week I was loving it and Jen even noticed a difference. Not to get too graphic but the first thing I noticed was the increase in mucous. Next was my libido...oh yeah! The final test would be my cycle. I was up to 45 days last cycle so I thought even if we cut it by 5 days I'd be happy. Well, it was reduced by 10 days. I was thrilled.

So, I'm on month 2 and I've been doing a lot of reading. The disappointment was to find you can't take clomid and drink the tea. Seeing that the clomid only good thing was that I had follicals develop, I think I'm sticking with the tea. The percentage of reviews I've read are women who had irregular cycles, were over 30 and got pregnant after 1 month drinking it!!! I even recommended it to a few friends.

So, we are going to try again in June. I'm hoping by then to have enough money saved for at least one vial. I love our newly remodeled living room but I see a vial of sperm everytime I look at it. Oh well...it needed to be done. And now that Mason has been here, I can totally picture a baby in this living room compared to our old one. AND we have an extra can of blue Behr paint perfect for a nursery.

Oh, I can't get my hopes up too high...I know what happened last year! Wait, gotta think positive! Let this be our time...please!

Finally we talk...well, sort of....

All it took was one move and I'm a gonner...

After a tense drive down the interstate, I suggested swinging into Walmart for new wipers (and because I really had to use the bathroom). We stopped in Newport. I bolted to my destination and said I'd meet Jen in the wipers. After walking to both ends of the store twice, I finally found Jen. She had Apples-to-Apples in the cart. I asked her how much, she said $24, I asked her why we needed it. She threw it on the shelf and walked away. By the time we got to the other end of the store, I was tearing up. A fight was brewing. By the time we got in the car, it was full blown. I finally got some things off my chest including that I no longer think she cares. To my surprise, she said we need to better plan this so I will be out of work for the least amount of time. I told her I needed a plan. Soon it went silent. I cried silent tears until Skowhegan. I had to be strong all weekend because we were spending it with the family...a family that included a 2 month old. Having to watch Jen hold Mason was so hard, seeing the bond between Mom & Baby was even more difficult. I tried living in the moment with Mason but ached on the inside.

Other than now knowing how she feels, I'm even more frustrated now than I was before. I'm so scared this is never going to happen. Jen said we still need to live, I can't let it consume my even moment. I told her the truth...I bottle it all up!

Snow Day...New Day...Cycle Day 1

So, I promised myself many times now that when it was day 1 of my cycle of the new year, I would start charting, weighing, measuring, etc. So, being a snow day today (first one....yipee) and having to get out of Jen's work area so she can get reviews done, I jumped on fertility friend this morning to begin my first chart.
We'll see how this works. I want to be as proactive as possible. I also got the app for my phone and ipod so it'll be easy to update my chart. 

Fingers crossed!

Now what...

At what point in the overall plan does one need to take a step back and say, "Well, that didn't work, now what?"

I think I'm at that point. I need to let go of the dream that BJ is going to be our donor. As flattered and moved as I was that he offered, he is selfishly staying put in the South and in his fucked up situation and I just don't think I can handle waiting to see if he's coming back.

So, it's time to take control of things. What needs to be done? I know, but I need to plan it out. Do we try the NECC or stick with CCB? Should I get a part-time job...I've thought about Lane Bryant...if they're hiring. There is so much going through my brain and I want to be so pro-active so I can't sit back and make excuses.

Monday, 1/23/12...time to take control!!!

Quick Mood Change

It amazes me how one phrase can change my mood. We were at the K's last night, having dinner, drinks and playing Apples-to-Apples. I cherish our time with them...they've been there for us many times and we've shared a lot of laughs. They take my mind off all the "gunk" in life. So, Jen plays the card "soothing"...I played "fly fishing" and some else played "having a baby". Like the flip of a switch I wanted to run from the room screaming. Why can't I do anything in life, even have fun, without that being thrown in my face. Jen assumed it was my card. I made the comment "If it was my card, it would've been put back in the bottom of the pile." I got no response. After that, I was quiet for a while.

YO-YO

I always hated yo-yos as a kid, yet I continued to play with them. I'd get the string all wound up around the spool, put the little loop on my finger and whip it down toward the ground. Rarely did it come back up again. Each time it was like taking a chance. I didn't know what I was doing wrong! All I knew was that the only way my Yo-Yo was going to come up was if I worked for it...reaching down, picking up the spool and winding it back up again.

This whole process has been like playing with a yo-yo...we get all wound up, take the chance and there we are, standing with our heads hanging down, disappointed we didn't succeed.

So our wonderful friend BJ, who offered to be our donor last summer, moved away weeks after offering. We knew he was moving months earlier, but it hurt knowing he made this offer and off he went anyway. His stay in the South has not been positive. He loves where he is physcially, but financially & emotionally he's unstable. I would never wish anyone that feeling of loneliness, so far away from home. When he came home at Christmas, my heart sank when I heard of the relationship problems, difficulty finding a job and the feeling of failure. I tried to reassure him that it was not failure if he came home. He asked if I was ovulating but I told him he was about a week late. He asked if we could do it anyway...I laugh at his lack-of-knowledge when it comes to the female reproductive system.

Almost a month has gone by since BJ & I chatted about his situation and every day I selfishly hope he'll return. Jen came home from work the other night to say that BJ was coming home. I was sooooo excited. This was what he needed and this was so good for us. I KNEW 2012 was going to be a great year!!!! I text and facebooked a few people with the news...they were equally as excited! BJ text me, said he was really depressed and needed a friend. I told him we were here for him. He said "You just want my sperm". The deperate-to-be-a-mom in me said "Well duh!", the friend in me said "of course not". He asked when I was ovulating....told him in a few weeks. He said he'd be home by then. I started to get that warm, tingling feeling again, like I did last April when it was all coming together so fast for us and we were planning our first insemination. That night, I even had a dream I gave birth to a cute little baby boy that looked like Jen with blonde hair.

Tuesday was a wonderful day. There was an extra skip in my step as if someone hit the big red button to get the machine running again. Off I went about my day, got so much done, taught some great lessons and was preparing to go home when I got a text. It was BJ...he decided he'd file his taxes and try to stay in the South and look for a job. Without thinking I said "You just ruined my day." I cried, threw down the phone, packed my shit and waited for Jen to pick me up. I returned to my phone feeling guilty for being so selfish and apologized. I heard nothing. I facebooked "Life is like a dream, just as things get good, you wake up."

I should have written "WTF does it take to get this yo-yo to come back up to me?" I figured that was too confusing.

Did I mention I hate yo-yos?

2012

2011 sucked....kind of reminds me of 2008...that was the year we lost Lillie and my job was cut back...double whammy. 2011...we were 3 times unsuccessful at making a baby but gained an adorable nephew (even if I did bawl the night he was born because I thought that should have been us that night) and we lost our apartment but found a great house even though we have had bad luck with the heat/hot water in the past few weeks.

2012 HAS to be our year....by this time next year, I will be sitting here with a baby in my arms or still in my belly, preparing to marry my wonderful partner of 7 years, and making an offer on this house. (It's good to have goals).

Every day, I will do something to make my dreams come true. I am going to be good to myself, my wife and remember that everything happens when it's suppose to.

All I wanted was dinner...

Going out to eat at a good ol' local diner sucks....why....because of all of the families. It was Jen's last night in town for a few days so she wanted to take me to Gov's for dinner. I was so excited, until we were seated. Babies and toddlers EVERYWHERE!!!! I just wanted to go home!

Breakdown

So yesterday sucked! I brokedown many times. Commercials, TV shows, the new baby next door being fed by her glowing mother...grrrr.

The mother of all breakdowns was when Jen got home. She took the pork out of the fridge and juice spilled. She said "Why would you put it on a plate?" I felt like a child scorn. I went and got Mr. Clean and paper towels and cleaned it up all the while fighting off tears. Next thing I know Jen is slamming stuff around. When I called her on it she said it would've been nice if I had stuff ready. I went to the bedroom, told her I wasn't hungry. She soon follow and asked what was wrong. When I told her I didn't feel good (which she knew all day....that pissed me off) and that I was hot mess. She said I knew going into this there was no guarentee. It doesn't make it any easier. She said I can't let it get me down. Too late! Then we got into the fight about supper. She didn't see my POV that she eats at different times everyday, how am I suppose to know when to have stuff ready and when to hold off. She said I still could've had it prepped. I told her she's set off by the smallest thing...this time it was the pork...why the hell wouldn't I put it on a plate? She said I'm set off easily too. I said the difference is I don't snap at her...that shut her up!

If I'm going to get through these tough times I'm going to need a rock. I thought she was mine but she's not and it hurts to say that. She's there in the moment but allows me no time to grieve when I need to. She's not a bad person and I love her dearly but we deal with things very differently. She never opens up to how she feels and I think that bothers me too. So, I'll blog and write and cry and hide my true pain from Jen so I can get through this in my way.

Fuck you Mother Nature!

What have I done? Is it because I've waited too long to try to get pregnant? Is it because I fell in love with a woman? Is it because I'm fat? I don't pay my bills on time? What did I do to piss off Mother Nature?????

I believe and always will believe that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I can remember being 6-7 years old and my cousin and I would play house and pretend we were pregnant and having babies. It's always been a dream of mine to experience being pregnant and having a baby and, of course, being a mom. I have always been facinated with pregnant bodies and what it feels like and what childbirth will feel like. Why when I've dreamed so long about something I can't grasp it?

Then there is media. I watch Roseanne as an escape to the funny and there's Crystal giving birth! A commercial comes on and there's Tori & Dean expecting another. I go online and 39 year old Jennifer Garner is expecting #3....WTF!!!! When will it be my turn?

I'm so worried about the financial aspect of trying, I'm worried about the way we are doing this and I'm trying to stay positive but shit it's hard! It hurts! There's no use crying but all I want to do is cry! BJ said Southwest flies out of Georgia real cheap if we can go get him. I'm glad he's so willing.

I need to go do something productive, so I'm off to design bulletin boards for the new school year.

So I lied...

I can't stay away from the blog when I have stuff on my mind. So it wasn't totally a lie because I said I'd be back if I had to vent, so here I am.

Sunday sucked! Jen napped til about 1pm (I got hooked on the Glee Project) but after that she got into an LMN jag. Every movie seemed to be about mother's dead or dying, cancer and then the killer was babies. I did not want to watch it so I started puttering around and finally Jen said she'd change the channel. I was hoping this would open a conversation about how I'm feeling but I fought back the tears and thought of better things.

All day yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period. However, there I was obsessing on boards about PMS vs. early preggo symptoms. UGH! Then I had these pangs of "OMG, I could really be pregnant!" Jen commented last night that I should pick up a pregnancy test when I went out to get popcorn. I tried to be strong and say my period was due to start tomorrow or Wednesday anyway and didn't end up going. Just before bed I went to the bathroom and swore there was a bit of blood on the tissue. I was bummed and paranoid.

When I got up this morning I thought for sure I'd be flowing...nope. Thought I'd be flowing the next 2 times I went. NOPE. Jen asked before leaving for work why I was grumpy. I broke down. She said it will happen, we'll just have to save up, maybe just do one vial this time. I was hoping it would work with BJ! She didn't want to leave, I told her I'd be ok. She said keep busy.

So, here I sit, watching TV, on the computer, not being productive...not staying busy, feeling like I could bleed like a pig any minute now. I need to do something! I want to be growing and nurturing a life inside of me. UGH!

Agree to Disagree

When this process started, I wanted to wait 2 weeks to test but Jen was over excited and wanted to test early. We did, it was hard to see the negative, even harder when Mother Nature reassured us that it was negative. The second time, we had the test in the bathroom, I held on until 3 days before test time, Jen didn't want me to test and ruin the weekend. I was persistent and tested, it was negative but I handled it ok. We had a busy day, I didn't think of it until later that night when my mood was foul for other reasons. Mother Nature again said "uh-ah...flow time". Bitch! Now, here we are...I've wanted to test, BJ has wanted me to test, but Jen said she doesn't want to waste the money on a test...let just wait it out and see. So, maybe this is for the best but I'm still obsessing. Then events of the past two days (fallout with Jenny & the deck party) have kept my mind busy but the thought is always there that I want to test! However, the next few days with the impending doom of AF, I am going to not even think about it. I am going to get done what I need to for school, All State and other stuff around the house.

This will be my last blog (unless all hell breaks loose and I need to vent) until I have news one way or the other. So, let me just say, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant!

BLURG!

I have no other words to describe the way I am feeling. I'm upset and irritated because I don't think I'm pregnant...again. I'm worried because our donor is heading south, it's cheaper to fly him home than it is to store his sperm. I'm crampy, I want to eat all of the time, I need new contacts but haven't called yet, I don't want to go back to work, I have diarrea of the mouth (Jen felt she was a strong, independant woman and I called her cold), I'm gassy, constipated...wonder why with the crap I've been eating, I can't stop sweating because it's like 100% humidity. BLURG BLURG BLURG!

I Could Scream

I can't explain the feeling I have...it's like a fire...I want to get mad, but remain optimistic, but am giving up hope but can't give up because I need to hold on to the dream. I'm feeling so much love for Jen and then she drives me crazy in the next moment. I am obsessed, similar to the obsession after the May insemination. I can't seem to do anything productive, instead I lurk on the Babycenter board and blogs about babies. I want to be pregnant so bad!!!! I get pissy everytime I see a pregnant woman, a baby, and now I'm stuck planning a baby shower and having to buy baby things that are not for us! My emotions are in a whirlwind...can you tell?

I watched Back Up Plan with JLo yesterday. It only got one star...I could see why, but I was even bitter when her first insemination took. All I could think was "yeah right...you didn't think it would take and it did...whatever bitch!" I'm so bitter! Right now I'm watching GMA and there is a woman who had a backache and ended up giving birth! WHATEVER! Why can't I be pregnant? Why couldn't I get pregnant on the first try, second try, will the third time be a charm? I'm soooooooooooooooo....ugh I don't know...I can't say I'm frustrated, or even sad, I can't describe this!

There are NO symptoms....

...keep telling yourself that!

So it's a week after insemination at home. With IUI followed cramping and gassy feelings...it was not a pleasant feeling but I though "I'll take it...this could be "it"!" This time around I felt nothing. Over the weekend I seemed to be naseaous after every meal. I didn't even feel hungry but I wanted something to eat...it was so weird. But it's not a symptom! (Keep telling yourself that). Yesterday I felt as if I was going to start my period...Jen thought that was weird being Day 22...could it be a sym...NO! There are no symptoms!

So I'm trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time am ready for this to take...I want to start our family in our new home! What do I have to do? Who do I have to pray to? Things happen when they are suppose to....well, what's wrong with now? I have NO reservations! I want a baby!