My last blog from July 14th was that Jen and I would not break up over trying to conceive and here we are...broken up!
As I read back through the events of the past year, I should've re-read it a little deeper.
Let's recap the fall of Jen & Keri one last time before I close the book on "2012: The Year My World Ended"
January: Fallout over saving money. Jen wants careful planning before we pursue this further.
February/March: Too busy with drama
April: All my drama stipend goes to living room makeover
May: Jen does two new store openings and a switch is flipped in her...she becomes independent and secretive...something is up.
June: Jen pulls away a little more, has been sleeping on the couch siting "can't sleep". I approach the idea of a home donor kit with BJ or purchase a cheaper vile. She half-heartedly agrees to the kit.
July: Jen continues to sleep on the couch, huge fallout over money again leads to budget talk and separate bank accounts. There is no intimacy (except a quicky on July 4th). She has no desire to spend family time. Try the kit, without her help. No baby again!
August: Distance continues until I finally fall apart on our anniversary. "I Won't Give Up" plays one night which leads to our first conversations. She claims "We've grown apart" "It's not you it's me" and "She doesn't think she wants a baby" (8/11)
September: I am forced to give her time and space...it sucks...I fall apart
October: Things seem like they are getting better but she stops wearing her ring. We have a talk and officially break-up (10/27)
November: Jen admits (in a heated discussion) that she warned me this baby thing was consuming me over a year ago and I was the one who gave up.
December: I plead for a second chance. She said it's too late and she needs a change. She can't promise anything but will always care for me.
So, 2012 can kiss my ass. Here I sit alone, in a house I may have to give up, the love of my life gone (well, converted to roommate status) and no baby.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I am Callie Torres....
...well, not really. A. She's a fictional character, B. She's Hispanic...the only thing Hispanic about me is that I can roll my Rs, C. She's fucking smoking hot with a killer smile and sexy as all get out and well...I've seen me. However, after falling in love with the season 7 storyline thanks to Lifetime running Grey's Anatomy in syndication, I have been obsessed in knowing all I can about the Callie/Arizona storyline. I'm jumping all around, watching youtube clips and not really watching full episode but I will, someday. For right now, I'm in love with "Calzona". HOWEVER, it was last night that I had an epiphany! Season 6 is when Callie throws out the mention of wanting a baby and Arizona is kind of "yuck" about the whole thing. So, when they decide to end their relationship over the fact that Callie really wants a baby, I breakdown. The writing in that show was so perfectly done and an exact replica of my feelings. It's like they took the sexy from someone else, the body of a goddess but my obsession with being a mom and stuck it into Callie Torres.
No worries though...Jen & I will not break-up over this (because she likes kids even though I think her wanting to start a family is down more than the president's approval rating), I won't run to the arms of my best-male friend, have a one-nighter and get knocked up because, well, he's gay too and that just wouldn't be pretty, and well, I'm not sure there is a final comment.
No worries though...Jen & I will not break-up over this (because she likes kids even though I think her wanting to start a family is down more than the president's approval rating), I won't run to the arms of my best-male friend, have a one-nighter and get knocked up because, well, he's gay too and that just wouldn't be pretty, and well, I'm not sure there is a final comment.
Here we go again
Every few months we seem to go down the same path and have the same "discussion" about having a baby. This one stems from money. Jen (Ms. Independent) had set out on a shopping trip to get black for this weekend's art show in NH. Although there is black clothing in our closet, heaven forbid it should be the right kind, fit, shape, size, etc. I was left at home so she could embark on mission find black with her boss who was taking her daughter shopping for camp. I was slightly bummed that I was not welcome to go shopping but got over it with a dip in the pool and a shady tree. For whatever reason, it's been 90+ every Saturday for about 3 weeks now. Oops, tangent. Anywho, I jumped on the UCU app on my phone for whatever reason to see a $60 charge at TJMaxx. WTF? I angry text Jen and she said she found pants and a pair of shorts. I left it at that only to boil on the inside and burst into tears on the outside. Here we were with a near empty oil tank, a car that who knows what is wrong with it, 3 birthdays, an aunt visit, a deck party and my trip to Boston on the horizon and she's dropping $60 on clothes. I scarfed half of a sandwich and took off to typing up our monthly budget. When Jen got home, there is was on the table. I tried being cold and bitchy but I burst into tears. I hate talking money with her. After I calmed down a little, she wanted to go over said budget. Then came the line I'm so sick of hearing "I know you want to save for a baby, but..." NO BUTS...I'm sick of buts. There is never going to be a right time, enough money, etc....NEVER! Not to mention I'm not getting any younger, yet it's thrown in my face a conversation I had about a student whose mom was 40 when she had her! Make that a healthy, athletic and probably very fertile 40! My soon-to-be 36 year old eggs are sitting in little lazyboy recliners with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other saying "Oh, now you want to play, yeah, we don't want to". By the time we have a good cushion of money or I'm skinny or the time is just right or whatever....my lazyboys are going to have bedsore the size of dinner plates and wouldn't be able to make the journey down a FT if I tempted them with donuts. So, lesson money will once again be saved and I will teach Saturdays if I have to cause damnit I'm having a kid!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Up, Down, Up, Down...
So the last 4 weeks have been an absolute rollercoaster! I started weaning myself off fertilitea because we saved enough money to do one vial insemination, I just had to call the doctor. I was all prepared with my little notes on what to ask, I rejoined babycenter and after a BIG blowout not once, but twice, with Jen, it was time to put on a positive attitude and move forward.
Well, someone's post on Babycenter was basically bitching about how much the TTC process sucks for us lesbians. I chimed in and added fuel to the fire...or my fire to her inferno. Anyway, the next morning, someone had private messaged me information on a donor shipping kit. I looked into it, ran it by BJ and he was on board. Last stop...Dr. B.
The next morning I called the Dr. office, talked to the nurse and in turn she had to talk to the Dr. because she's never heard of such a thing. The return call was not what I hoped for. She said there was lots of red tape and the only way they could legally to an known donor insemination was if he walked into the office with us. She did say it was made for home insemination so go for it, they'll even supply me with vials...what we do at home is our business, not theirs. Okay....so, I asked her about ART vials. The return call was much more positive...she said although the sperm count was lower, there was no reason why we couldn't use those. Cool...now time to bring it back to Jen.
We talked over drinks on the deck and opted for the donor kit. I ordered it right away, brewed up some tea and ordered 50pk of ovulation strips. We were back on the S.S. TTC. Needless to say, I confused S.J....she was like no tea/yes tea...WTF! Over the course of 2 days I filled her in on the new prospect and she was very happy we were going to find a way to do this.
My new cycle started, I was drinking tea, ovulation strips were here, the donor kit arrived at BJ's house...next step, ovulation!
According to Fertility Friend we were looking at June 11-15, Period Tracker said June 20-23. I started testing June 9th...day 14...nothing....15...nothing....16....nothing....17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22...nothing. Day 23 I saw a line that was not as dark as the test line but a line. Then I started to stress, we had arranged our schedules around a meeting I had in Augusta Wednesday and if the line went dark Tuesday that would make Wednesday insemination day. And I though June would be stress free! Tuesday the line went away...I thought "Oh good...it can be positive any day but today". However, the line never got dark, it went away altogether!
Today is CD 29....I have a feeling this month is an epic fail. All my ducks in a row, taking my fertility into my own hands and doing what I need to do and my body fails me.
I'm still trying to hold onto that bit of hope that I could still ovulate this cycle, but the way my body feels, we're done for this one. Tune in next month!
Well, someone's post on Babycenter was basically bitching about how much the TTC process sucks for us lesbians. I chimed in and added fuel to the fire...or my fire to her inferno. Anyway, the next morning, someone had private messaged me information on a donor shipping kit. I looked into it, ran it by BJ and he was on board. Last stop...Dr. B.
The next morning I called the Dr. office, talked to the nurse and in turn she had to talk to the Dr. because she's never heard of such a thing. The return call was not what I hoped for. She said there was lots of red tape and the only way they could legally to an known donor insemination was if he walked into the office with us. She did say it was made for home insemination so go for it, they'll even supply me with vials...what we do at home is our business, not theirs. Okay....so, I asked her about ART vials. The return call was much more positive...she said although the sperm count was lower, there was no reason why we couldn't use those. Cool...now time to bring it back to Jen.
We talked over drinks on the deck and opted for the donor kit. I ordered it right away, brewed up some tea and ordered 50pk of ovulation strips. We were back on the S.S. TTC. Needless to say, I confused S.J....she was like no tea/yes tea...WTF! Over the course of 2 days I filled her in on the new prospect and she was very happy we were going to find a way to do this.
My new cycle started, I was drinking tea, ovulation strips were here, the donor kit arrived at BJ's house...next step, ovulation!
According to Fertility Friend we were looking at June 11-15, Period Tracker said June 20-23. I started testing June 9th...day 14...nothing....15...nothing....16....nothing....17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22...nothing. Day 23 I saw a line that was not as dark as the test line but a line. Then I started to stress, we had arranged our schedules around a meeting I had in Augusta Wednesday and if the line went dark Tuesday that would make Wednesday insemination day. And I though June would be stress free! Tuesday the line went away...I thought "Oh good...it can be positive any day but today". However, the line never got dark, it went away altogether!
Today is CD 29....I have a feeling this month is an epic fail. All my ducks in a row, taking my fertility into my own hands and doing what I need to do and my body fails me.
I'm still trying to hold onto that bit of hope that I could still ovulate this cycle, but the way my body feels, we're done for this one. Tune in next month!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wait....let me guess....
This has been my life over the past week....
"I have to tell you something....I'm pregnant!", "And baby makes 3", "It's been 13 weeks so it's time to announce we are expecting #3!"
I dislike the phrase FML, but seriously....FML!!!!!!! Why is it when you want something sooooo bad, everyone around you seems to be getting it! I am so upset but there is nothing I can do to speed up our process. We have enough for one vial but the shipping cost still needs to be saved up. Then there is the timing. We're out for this month and I think trying in June will be too soon. Not to mention Jen is on the road....there is just no time. This is so frustrating and I just don't know how much more my emotions can take. I know, I know....everything happens for a reason, things will happen when they're suppose to....blah, blah, blah!
Well, when the fuck is it going to be my turn!?!?!?!
"I have to tell you something....I'm pregnant!", "And baby makes 3", "It's been 13 weeks so it's time to announce we are expecting #3!"
I dislike the phrase FML, but seriously....FML!!!!!!! Why is it when you want something sooooo bad, everyone around you seems to be getting it! I am so upset but there is nothing I can do to speed up our process. We have enough for one vial but the shipping cost still needs to be saved up. Then there is the timing. We're out for this month and I think trying in June will be too soon. Not to mention Jen is on the road....there is just no time. This is so frustrating and I just don't know how much more my emotions can take. I know, I know....everything happens for a reason, things will happen when they're suppose to....blah, blah, blah!
Well, when the fuck is it going to be my turn!?!?!?!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Fertili-tea
So, I've been looking for natural ways to increase my fertility and get my cycle on track. I found this tea on amazon that has all natural ingredients to do everything from regulate cycles to increase cervical mucous to increase libido. I was overwhelmed when it said to drink 2-3 cups a day but when I realized I could make it into iced tea I had no problem.
I started drinking the tea on day 1 of my March cycle. It was okay, not the best tasting stuff but whatever works. By the 2nd week I was loving it and Jen even noticed a difference. Not to get too graphic but the first thing I noticed was the increase in mucous. Next was my libido...oh yeah! The final test would be my cycle. I was up to 45 days last cycle so I thought even if we cut it by 5 days I'd be happy. Well, it was reduced by 10 days. I was thrilled.
So, I'm on month 2 and I've been doing a lot of reading. The disappointment was to find you can't take clomid and drink the tea. Seeing that the clomid only good thing was that I had follicals develop, I think I'm sticking with the tea. The percentage of reviews I've read are women who had irregular cycles, were over 30 and got pregnant after 1 month drinking it!!! I even recommended it to a few friends.
So, we are going to try again in June. I'm hoping by then to have enough money saved for at least one vial. I love our newly remodeled living room but I see a vial of sperm everytime I look at it. Oh well...it needed to be done. And now that Mason has been here, I can totally picture a baby in this living room compared to our old one. AND we have an extra can of blue Behr paint perfect for a nursery.
Oh, I can't get my hopes up too high...I know what happened last year! Wait, gotta think positive! Let this be our time...please!
I started drinking the tea on day 1 of my March cycle. It was okay, not the best tasting stuff but whatever works. By the 2nd week I was loving it and Jen even noticed a difference. Not to get too graphic but the first thing I noticed was the increase in mucous. Next was my libido...oh yeah! The final test would be my cycle. I was up to 45 days last cycle so I thought even if we cut it by 5 days I'd be happy. Well, it was reduced by 10 days. I was thrilled.
So, I'm on month 2 and I've been doing a lot of reading. The disappointment was to find you can't take clomid and drink the tea. Seeing that the clomid only good thing was that I had follicals develop, I think I'm sticking with the tea. The percentage of reviews I've read are women who had irregular cycles, were over 30 and got pregnant after 1 month drinking it!!! I even recommended it to a few friends.
So, we are going to try again in June. I'm hoping by then to have enough money saved for at least one vial. I love our newly remodeled living room but I see a vial of sperm everytime I look at it. Oh well...it needed to be done. And now that Mason has been here, I can totally picture a baby in this living room compared to our old one. AND we have an extra can of blue Behr paint perfect for a nursery.
Oh, I can't get my hopes up too high...I know what happened last year! Wait, gotta think positive! Let this be our time...please!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Finally we talk...well, sort of....
All it took was one move and I'm a gonner...
After a tense drive down the interstate, I suggested swinging into Walmart for new wipers (and because I really had to use the bathroom). We stopped in Newport. I bolted to my destination and said I'd meet Jen in the wipers. After walking to both ends of the store twice, I finally found Jen. She had Apples-to-Apples in the cart. I asked her how much, she said $24, I asked her why we needed it. She threw it on the shelf and walked away. By the time we got to the other end of the store, I was tearing up. A fight was brewing. By the time we got in the car, it was full blown. I finally got some things off my chest including that I no longer think she cares. To my surprise, she said we need to better plan this so I will be out of work for the least amount of time. I told her I needed a plan. Soon it went silent. I cried silent tears until Skowhegan. I had to be strong all weekend because we were spending it with the family...a family that included a 2 month old. Having to watch Jen hold Mason was so hard, seeing the bond between Mom & Baby was even more difficult. I tried living in the moment with Mason but ached on the inside.
Other than now knowing how she feels, I'm even more frustrated now than I was before. I'm so scared this is never going to happen. Jen said we still need to live, I can't let it consume my even moment. I told her the truth...I bottle it all up!
After a tense drive down the interstate, I suggested swinging into Walmart for new wipers (and because I really had to use the bathroom). We stopped in Newport. I bolted to my destination and said I'd meet Jen in the wipers. After walking to both ends of the store twice, I finally found Jen. She had Apples-to-Apples in the cart. I asked her how much, she said $24, I asked her why we needed it. She threw it on the shelf and walked away. By the time we got to the other end of the store, I was tearing up. A fight was brewing. By the time we got in the car, it was full blown. I finally got some things off my chest including that I no longer think she cares. To my surprise, she said we need to better plan this so I will be out of work for the least amount of time. I told her I needed a plan. Soon it went silent. I cried silent tears until Skowhegan. I had to be strong all weekend because we were spending it with the family...a family that included a 2 month old. Having to watch Jen hold Mason was so hard, seeing the bond between Mom & Baby was even more difficult. I tried living in the moment with Mason but ached on the inside.
Other than now knowing how she feels, I'm even more frustrated now than I was before. I'm so scared this is never going to happen. Jen said we still need to live, I can't let it consume my even moment. I told her the truth...I bottle it all up!
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